So what have I been up to?
- 4 doctors appointments each week
- Volunteering at the ferret rescue shelter at least twice a week
- Practically living at Starbucks looking for work (in the process of coordinating an interview for a manger position at Enterprise, keep your fingers crossed)
- Re-wrote and posted my resume on countless recruiter sites, green sites, general work sites, etc
- Studying to take the Associate Environmental Professional certification (some day I'll be able to afford it)
- Researching environmental and green collar jobs (consulting?)
- Brushing up on my environmental science, sustainability and environmental law skills
- Trying to find ways to pay the bills (not going well....)
- Reading the free text books I downloaded on environmental technology, management, planning, etc
- Trying really hard not to snap at people who tell me they "know how I feel" or "understand what I'm
going through." Really You do? Have you cried over a rice cake? How about weighing yourself
50 times a day and recording it religiously in a notebook? Or do you stand in front of the mirror
pinching yourself a hundred times a day? No, you haven't done any of those things? THEN SHUT
THE HELL UP!!! Basically I avoid everyone at all costs, I like being alone anyway.
My insurance company decided to cover my nutrionist after all, mixed feelings about that. I'm sure my treatment team was involved in this considering the fit they through when it happened, blargh. I was told by the team that they want to keep me on a "tighter leash." Like they don't control almost every aspect of my life as it is?
Still as angry as ever.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Who Say's Eating Disorders Are Dangerous?
Dear insurance company- F you!
In the eyes of insurance companies eating disorders are no big deal, so many of them deny coverage. I've been told they will no longer cover my nutritionist and they might cut back on the number of times I can see my therapist. If I want to go into a treatment center it must be an in-patient hospital like setting, no residential or IOP treatment. And they make me leave as soon as I'm "healthy" enough in their eyes, which translates to hardly being medically stable.
It's really frustrating and scary.
In the eyes of insurance companies eating disorders are no big deal, so many of them deny coverage. I've been told they will no longer cover my nutritionist and they might cut back on the number of times I can see my therapist. If I want to go into a treatment center it must be an in-patient hospital like setting, no residential or IOP treatment. And they make me leave as soon as I'm "healthy" enough in their eyes, which translates to hardly being medically stable.
It's really frustrating and scary.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Break Time
I'm going to take a break from this because I really feel like I need to be alone for awhile or I'm going to lose my mind. If I could be completely alone I would.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Fears
I have gained a lot of weight very quickly over the last week (I'm guessing my body isn't hyper-metabolic anymore) and I'm terrified. Two of my biggest fears are that once I start eating I won't be able to stop, and if I stop showing my pain outwardly, people will forget that the pain is there at all.
The first fear seems kind of silly, but it's already proving true. Breakfast is my "safe meal," so I usually eat in the morning. The problem lately is that I don't feel full in the mornings, so I will eat bowl, after bowl, after bowl of cereal. My dietitian said I could only have two bowls a day, but I don't feel full after only two bowls so my stomach will hurt. Occasionally I will eat until I get sick, I don't purge, I just literally fill myself up until my stomach can't hold anymore. I'm terrified of becoming a binge eater.
The second fear seems to be a pretty popular one with people who have ED's. People tend to assume that if you've gained weight and look healthy, you must be OK. That is so far from the truth. Yes, right now I look healthier, but I'm still malnourished and I am angry and in pain (mentally) ALL THE TIME. The pain doesn't go away just because the pain can't be seen physically; looks can be deceiving.
I have other fears too, that the voice will never go away, that I'll be in and out of treatment all the time, that my distorted thinking will never get better, that I'll be "recovered" for a long period of time and then relapse, and that I'll never be able to live up to people's expectations. The fear leads to shame, which leads to anger, which leads to guilt, which leads to sadness, it never seems to end.
The first fear seems kind of silly, but it's already proving true. Breakfast is my "safe meal," so I usually eat in the morning. The problem lately is that I don't feel full in the mornings, so I will eat bowl, after bowl, after bowl of cereal. My dietitian said I could only have two bowls a day, but I don't feel full after only two bowls so my stomach will hurt. Occasionally I will eat until I get sick, I don't purge, I just literally fill myself up until my stomach can't hold anymore. I'm terrified of becoming a binge eater.
The second fear seems to be a pretty popular one with people who have ED's. People tend to assume that if you've gained weight and look healthy, you must be OK. That is so far from the truth. Yes, right now I look healthier, but I'm still malnourished and I am angry and in pain (mentally) ALL THE TIME. The pain doesn't go away just because the pain can't be seen physically; looks can be deceiving.
I have other fears too, that the voice will never go away, that I'll be in and out of treatment all the time, that my distorted thinking will never get better, that I'll be "recovered" for a long period of time and then relapse, and that I'll never be able to live up to people's expectations. The fear leads to shame, which leads to anger, which leads to guilt, which leads to sadness, it never seems to end.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
I Don't Know How to Do This
In therapy and at the treatment center we talked about how I've never really developed a sense of self, I have no clue who I am. I feel very detached from myself, like I'm constantly walking through a thick fog; it's a horrible feeling. People keep telling me how lucky I am to be able to start from scratch, be whoever I want to be. I don't consider that luck. To me, my sense of self is just one more thing that I lost to my eating disorder.
How do you know who you are supposed to be? I'm thirty years old, I'm too young to be "starting over." How do you learn to just sit with yourself and be OK with it? How do you learn to be happy? Where do I begin? Part of the problem is that part of me is still that fourteen year old girl, she never developed so she never went away. She's still there seeking peoples approval, wanting to feel loved, wanting to feel like she's good enough, wanting to be seen and heard even as she tries so hard to disappear. That's all I've ever known.
I never thought that the recovery process would be more painful than the disease.
How do you know who you are supposed to be? I'm thirty years old, I'm too young to be "starting over." How do you learn to just sit with yourself and be OK with it? How do you learn to be happy? Where do I begin? Part of the problem is that part of me is still that fourteen year old girl, she never developed so she never went away. She's still there seeking peoples approval, wanting to feel loved, wanting to feel like she's good enough, wanting to be seen and heard even as she tries so hard to disappear. That's all I've ever known.
I never thought that the recovery process would be more painful than the disease.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Yet Another Difficult Habit I Need to Try to Break
One of the problems with this illness (for me anyway) is that I'm not always aware of what I'm doing. Last night I went grocery shopping and came home to find three of my four roommates sitting at the kitchen table. We said hello to each other, then they just watched me. Since I moved in here I have refused to eat in front of anyone, when I do eat I will prepare the food when no one is in the kitchen and then take it to my bedroom to eat it. So my roommates have never actually seen me eat, they just see all the food I buy lined up neatly in the pantry and in the fridge and then watch as I throw it away when it goes bad.
As they stared at me I followed my routine of separating the groceries into three different piles- refrigerated, pantry, and hide. Their eyes followed me as I took the items from my hide pile, re-bagged them, and took them into my room.
Last night after I hid the various items around my room it hit me, I am a food hoarder and I've been doing it since high school. I looked around me and was stunned, how could I not know I was doing this? I am surrounded by food, fruit on my desk, nuts/cookies/sweets in the night stand, granola bars/almonds in the closet, donuts/applesauce/peanut M&M's/Goldfish crackers on my bookshelf, and of course my constant supply of Diet Coke and cherry Poptarts under my desk. I thought about why I might do this (my therapist will be thrilled to hear I did that come Monday) and realized I'm testing myself with temptation; I judge myself based on the level of willpower I show when I do or don't eat the food.
This started in high school when I would buy small things, like sweets or little bags of chips, and try sneaking them home and hide them away in my room. A few days later I'd put the food in my book bag and throw them away when I got to school. Then I'd go buy things to replace the things I threw away, and the cycle has been repeating itself ever since. I sort of feel like a chipmunk.
(The following paragraph could be triggering)
On a positive note I've been trying to eat over the past three days. As a result I've gained back 2 1/2lbs of the 8lbs I lost the four days before that. I hate it and it's causing a lot of anxiety. Today in an article I read, the author complained that she gained 10lbs during the past few months; it made me feel terrible about myself because in a month and a half (from when I entered treatment April 4th to my first check up in mid-May) I gained almost 20lbs. I'm trying very hard not to let it get to me but, UGGGHHHH!
As they stared at me I followed my routine of separating the groceries into three different piles- refrigerated, pantry, and hide. Their eyes followed me as I took the items from my hide pile, re-bagged them, and took them into my room.
Last night after I hid the various items around my room it hit me, I am a food hoarder and I've been doing it since high school. I looked around me and was stunned, how could I not know I was doing this? I am surrounded by food, fruit on my desk, nuts/cookies/sweets in the night stand, granola bars/almonds in the closet, donuts/applesauce/peanut M&M's/Goldfish crackers on my bookshelf, and of course my constant supply of Diet Coke and cherry Poptarts under my desk. I thought about why I might do this (my therapist will be thrilled to hear I did that come Monday) and realized I'm testing myself with temptation; I judge myself based on the level of willpower I show when I do or don't eat the food.
This started in high school when I would buy small things, like sweets or little bags of chips, and try sneaking them home and hide them away in my room. A few days later I'd put the food in my book bag and throw them away when I got to school. Then I'd go buy things to replace the things I threw away, and the cycle has been repeating itself ever since. I sort of feel like a chipmunk.
(The following paragraph could be triggering)
On a positive note I've been trying to eat over the past three days. As a result I've gained back 2 1/2lbs of the 8lbs I lost the four days before that. I hate it and it's causing a lot of anxiety. Today in an article I read, the author complained that she gained 10lbs during the past few months; it made me feel terrible about myself because in a month and a half (from when I entered treatment April 4th to my first check up in mid-May) I gained almost 20lbs. I'm trying very hard not to let it get to me but, UGGGHHHH!
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
So Much Self Hate
My therapist wants to send me to Remuda Ranch in Arizona. I told her only if she pays for it. We've agreed that it wouldn't be worth it to send me back to the treatment center I was in (I'm still refusing to go anyway) but it's all my insurance will cover. I'm in full-blown relapse. I think I deserve it. I'm pathetic.
Added later:
I was just reading something claiming that eating disorders are a lifestyle choice. I've heard this quite a bit actually. Let me make this perfectly clear- eating disorders are not a choice or a lifestyle (unless you're one of those pro-ana idiots). I would never choose to live this way willingly and I would never wish it upon anyone. An eating disorder is an evil disease, even if you don't die from it it robs you of your life. I'm not pretty, happy, outgoing, I have very few friends and I recently lost my boyfriend; all because of my eating disorder.
I think about food and weight all day long. Today I had to go to the mall and I walked by a sweets shop and made myself go in just to torture myself and because in my head the voice was telling me "You can't have these. Look but don't you dare touch." I walked around this very small store staring at all my favorites and the guy behind the counter just watched me in disbelief. Right this very minute all I want is a giant pizza with mushrooms, spinach and gobs of goat cheese and I want a cheese dog with mustard and relish. I have a drawer in my room filled with sweets, but I don't eat them, I just stare at them while the voice in my head hurls insults at me. I am convinced that every bite I take will turn into fat instantaneously and I'm addicted to Diet Coke. Neither of my roommates have seen me take a single bite of food and I've lived here for almost two months. I hate the holidays because they consist of all the foods I love and I eat because I feel the pressure of my family watching me, but then when I get home I cry for hours and my eating disorder screams at me for days afterwards.
I am sad, withdrawn, quiet, secretive, and when I do smile it's almost always a lie. I don't think I'm thin, I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see what everyone else does. I'm constantly doing body checks because I panic if I can't feel my bones (especially my hands, wrists and collarbones). I'm miserable and I hate myself, I've been this way for so long I don't know how else to be. But I DID NOT choose this, it's the result of many factors.
Right now I'm refusing to go to the treatment center because I like how I feel, small, compact, the dizzy spells, racing heart, physical and mental pain, constant nausea, all of it. I don't want to be supervised 24 hours a day, told I can't have a hood or pockets in the dining room, have to fill out a mood monitor and check in with staff after every meal, and I certainly don't want bathroom observation. The sickest part is that at this point I know how sick I am, but I can't stop. The eating disorder is the only things that makes me feel "good".
I know I might die, most days I want it.
How can you accuse someone of choosing to live a constant nightmare?
Added later:
I was just reading something claiming that eating disorders are a lifestyle choice. I've heard this quite a bit actually. Let me make this perfectly clear- eating disorders are not a choice or a lifestyle (unless you're one of those pro-ana idiots). I would never choose to live this way willingly and I would never wish it upon anyone. An eating disorder is an evil disease, even if you don't die from it it robs you of your life. I'm not pretty, happy, outgoing, I have very few friends and I recently lost my boyfriend; all because of my eating disorder.
I think about food and weight all day long. Today I had to go to the mall and I walked by a sweets shop and made myself go in just to torture myself and because in my head the voice was telling me "You can't have these. Look but don't you dare touch." I walked around this very small store staring at all my favorites and the guy behind the counter just watched me in disbelief. Right this very minute all I want is a giant pizza with mushrooms, spinach and gobs of goat cheese and I want a cheese dog with mustard and relish. I have a drawer in my room filled with sweets, but I don't eat them, I just stare at them while the voice in my head hurls insults at me. I am convinced that every bite I take will turn into fat instantaneously and I'm addicted to Diet Coke. Neither of my roommates have seen me take a single bite of food and I've lived here for almost two months. I hate the holidays because they consist of all the foods I love and I eat because I feel the pressure of my family watching me, but then when I get home I cry for hours and my eating disorder screams at me for days afterwards.
I am sad, withdrawn, quiet, secretive, and when I do smile it's almost always a lie. I don't think I'm thin, I look at myself in the mirror and I don't see what everyone else does. I'm constantly doing body checks because I panic if I can't feel my bones (especially my hands, wrists and collarbones). I'm miserable and I hate myself, I've been this way for so long I don't know how else to be. But I DID NOT choose this, it's the result of many factors.
Right now I'm refusing to go to the treatment center because I like how I feel, small, compact, the dizzy spells, racing heart, physical and mental pain, constant nausea, all of it. I don't want to be supervised 24 hours a day, told I can't have a hood or pockets in the dining room, have to fill out a mood monitor and check in with staff after every meal, and I certainly don't want bathroom observation. The sickest part is that at this point I know how sick I am, but I can't stop. The eating disorder is the only things that makes me feel "good".
I know I might die, most days I want it.
How can you accuse someone of choosing to live a constant nightmare?
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Perfect Girls
On Monday my therapist and I talked about my idea of perfection. This is it exactly, a ballerina. They are the most beautiful, graceful, elegant women in the world. I love their will power, dedication and even as some would put it, their obsession. I was never a dancer but I'd kill to be one. Even as a little girl I'd stare at pictures of ballerinas in secret.
I am extremely jealous of dancers but I love them. Every thing about them is so regimented, exact.....Just perfect. Their bodies are so small and delicate but strong at the same time. No matter how much the world changes, they remain classic beauties.
I'm continuing to relapse. My therapist told me from now on when some one asks me how I'm doing to be completely honest with them. I've been doing that and it feels so GOOD! Do you want to know how I'm doing? I feel disgusting, ugly, worthless and pathetic. The smaller I get the happier I become so I don't eat and it feels wonderful. There, the truth, finally.
Monday, July 11, 2011
HAPPY MONDAY!
So here's how my morning went:
Me- I bought a scale, I haven't eaten since Wednesday, I've lost 4 pounds since you last saw me and I can guarantee I'll lose more before you see me this Wednesday.
Therapist- Maybe it's time to go back to the treatment center?
Me- No I'm not going and you can't make me.
Therapist- That's true it is voluntary but I can tell this isn't going to be pretty.
Me- I don't care.
Ends with us both staring at each other.
She's actually an amazing therapist and she does know where my new attitude is coming from, but she also knows I'm right, my insurance will only cover one program and it's voluntary. Let's wait and see how Wednesday's session goes.
Me- I bought a scale, I haven't eaten since Wednesday, I've lost 4 pounds since you last saw me and I can guarantee I'll lose more before you see me this Wednesday.
Therapist- Maybe it's time to go back to the treatment center?
Me- No I'm not going and you can't make me.
Therapist- That's true it is voluntary but I can tell this isn't going to be pretty.
Me- I don't care.
Ends with us both staring at each other.
She's actually an amazing therapist and she does know where my new attitude is coming from, but she also knows I'm right, my insurance will only cover one program and it's voluntary. Let's wait and see how Wednesday's session goes.
Friday, July 8, 2011
I Should Scream Just to See What Happens.....
My team tells be to be honest and stop hiding how I think and feel. So what do I say when someone asks me how I'm doing? "Well, I am ripping myself apart emotionally and all I want to do is curl up into the smallest ball possible and hide in the corner. Thanks for asking!" I wish I could say that. Really I lie and tell them I'm ok or fine; isn't that what they want to hear? Maybe the problem is that I never feel that I'm heard when I do answer honestly. I have the feeling I could scream at the top of my lungs "I AM NOT OK!" and no one would hear me. If you're not going to hear what I say and everyone wants me to say I'm fine, don't come to me when it all falls apart and say "But you seemed to be doing so well, you said you were fine. What happened?"
Thursday, July 7, 2011
The Increasing Weight Upon My Shoulders (No Pun Intended)
Grocery shopping is always torture. Today was worse than usual though. I wanted a case of Snapple Mango-something-or-other iced tea. I didn't buy it, not because I felt guilty, but because I'm to weak to carry it up the stairs to my apartment (keep in mind I'm at the highest weight I've ever been).
Wow.
I'm really struggling right now, mainly because I feel so alone. Unlike in the treatment center I don't have people around me who understand what I'm going through to talk to on a daily basis. Body checking is getting out of control and has definitely taken the place of obsessively weighing myself. They took away my scale to stop that obsession, what can they take away to stop the checking?
I changed my profile picture on Facebook (I HATE Facebook, I'm not sure why I keep it, it just leads to more guilt, pain and envy) and have gotten many compliments on it. I've been told that I look gorgeous, happy, beautiful, hot, etc. The picture was taken maybe a month before I went into the treatment center. What no one sees is the sadness and pain behind that smile, no one ever does. I keep staring at that picture thinking how much I hate that girl, how I don't want to be her anymore, but also thinking she's the prettiest she's ever been. She's a delicate porcelain doll, with perfect hair, perfect make-up, perfect, wide, blue eyes....Sad.
I bought a new journal today because I hate how pathetic my old one was. It was so full of anger, fear and frustration. I'm hoping this one will be different.
Something needs to be different damn it!
Wow.
I'm really struggling right now, mainly because I feel so alone. Unlike in the treatment center I don't have people around me who understand what I'm going through to talk to on a daily basis. Body checking is getting out of control and has definitely taken the place of obsessively weighing myself. They took away my scale to stop that obsession, what can they take away to stop the checking?
I changed my profile picture on Facebook (I HATE Facebook, I'm not sure why I keep it, it just leads to more guilt, pain and envy) and have gotten many compliments on it. I've been told that I look gorgeous, happy, beautiful, hot, etc. The picture was taken maybe a month before I went into the treatment center. What no one sees is the sadness and pain behind that smile, no one ever does. I keep staring at that picture thinking how much I hate that girl, how I don't want to be her anymore, but also thinking she's the prettiest she's ever been. She's a delicate porcelain doll, with perfect hair, perfect make-up, perfect, wide, blue eyes....Sad.
I bought a new journal today because I hate how pathetic my old one was. It was so full of anger, fear and frustration. I'm hoping this one will be different.
Something needs to be different damn it!
Thursday, June 30, 2011
It's Been A while
I took some time away from this to really work on myself and my ED. I am proud to say that I recently had a breakthrough that involved about an hour of sitting in my boyfriends lap, bawling my eyes out and insisting that I didn't want to keep trying. My new attitude is "F*** you ED!" I'm doing really well so far.
What really made me want to post today is a video link sent to me by a friend. When I watched I was speechless and it has renewed my interest in women's studies and media culture (in case you haven't caught on I'm kinda big on these things). Please watch the following short video and I'd love to hear peoples thoughts on it.
http://www.nowness.com/day/2011/6/29/1521/lernert-and-sander--natural-beauty
What really made me want to post today is a video link sent to me by a friend. When I watched I was speechless and it has renewed my interest in women's studies and media culture (in case you haven't caught on I'm kinda big on these things). Please watch the following short video and I'd love to hear peoples thoughts on it.
http://www.nowness.com/day/2011/6/29/1521/lernert-and-sander--natural-beauty
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Nice Guy, Bad Thoughts
Last night the guy I'm dating and I went on our second date, our relationship is a bit strange, let me explain. We went on our first date and that night my living situation fell apart. I had no where to go, so of course I was extremely upset and anxious, this was the last thing I needed to have happen just a couple of weeks out of treatment. At 6:30 the next morning I got a text from the guy saying that I could go stay with his family until June 1st and while normally I would never have done this, I accepted as I really had no where to go. So now we have been spending a lot of time together which has allowed us to really get to know each other. Also, his family appears to have adopted me, which is fine by me, I adore them.
I like the guy very much, we have a lot in common, and he is supportive of my trying to get better. I have no problems eating with him and his family and I'm now eating the best I have since leaving treatment. My grandmother, therapist and friends all love this guy and think he might be a perfect match for me. Everything seems great, the only problem is that, as usual, I've become self-concious and self-deprecating. As always I can't accept that someone finds me attractive.
A few times now I've asked him things like "Do you really think I'm pretty?" and "Would you still like me if I gained the 15-20 pounds I still need to gain?" His answer is always yes, that he thinks I'm very pretty and that I'm absolutely adorable. I keep telling myself to believe him but I'm finding it hard to do. The voice telling me "You don't deserve someone nice, to be happy, to have good people in your life, you only deserve to be alone," is getting louder and louder and more difficult to ignore.
I'm so frustrated that I'm doing so well eating, but the negative body image thoughts are worse than ever. I know that all I can do is take things one day at a time and stay in the present, but it's so hard believe his compliments. Once again I'm waiting for someone I care about to leave me.
This sucks.
I like the guy very much, we have a lot in common, and he is supportive of my trying to get better. I have no problems eating with him and his family and I'm now eating the best I have since leaving treatment. My grandmother, therapist and friends all love this guy and think he might be a perfect match for me. Everything seems great, the only problem is that, as usual, I've become self-concious and self-deprecating. As always I can't accept that someone finds me attractive.
A few times now I've asked him things like "Do you really think I'm pretty?" and "Would you still like me if I gained the 15-20 pounds I still need to gain?" His answer is always yes, that he thinks I'm very pretty and that I'm absolutely adorable. I keep telling myself to believe him but I'm finding it hard to do. The voice telling me "You don't deserve someone nice, to be happy, to have good people in your life, you only deserve to be alone," is getting louder and louder and more difficult to ignore.
I'm so frustrated that I'm doing so well eating, but the negative body image thoughts are worse than ever. I know that all I can do is take things one day at a time and stay in the present, but it's so hard believe his compliments. Once again I'm waiting for someone I care about to leave me.
This sucks.
Friday, May 20, 2011
It's Not Just a Girl Thing
A few men I know have been telling me "Body image isn't just a girl thing!" I always knew that and never claimed that body image issues or eating disorders were reserved for only those of us who are female. I've met quite a few men and boys with full blown eating disorders, some as young as thirteen years old. So I don't want anyone to accuse me of being sexist or unfeeling towards men in respect to body image and eating disorders, it's just that I'm a girl and many of my friends are girls, so guess who I talk to the most about these things? But guys, I hear you.
Recently a few men have actually come out to me and said they suffer from occasional negative body image thoughts. They told me that they fear that women have unrealistic expectations of what their bodies should look like based on male models and actors (gee, that sounds oddly familiar.....) and on two separate occasions Men's Health magazine was mentioned as a trigger. The pictures of rock hard six-pack abs seem to cause the most insecurity, although in one article I read it stated that men's biggest worry was the size of their junk. However, I also know that the majority of women don't really care about these things, if they want their guy to lose weight it's most likely so the guy stays healthy. Personally, I don't find the bodies in those images attractive at all, they look frightening and I know other women my age who have said the same thing.
Personally I've had to consciously decide that I can not look at fashion or entertainment magazines because they directly affect my thoughts, mood and eating patterns. None of the guys I've talked to have said the same, only that seeing the images in some magazines makes them feel bad about themselves. I have noticed that if I look at the images on the covers of those magazines while in the check out line, I will automatically become depressed, think "I wish I looked like that," and I have even been known to put "guilty" foods back and not buy them. Negative body image thoughts are dangerous, they kept me an extra week in treatment because although I was eating 100%, I was hating myself for it.
So, man or woman, it doesn't matter. In a world where we are constantly bombarded with media, it's hard to find anyone who honestly doesn't have some degree of body image issues. The important things to do are to avoid triggers, remember that those images have been unbelievably doctored, and if needed get help for these issues.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
The Kindness of Strangers
I went on a date Sunday and it was terrifying because we went out to dinner (it was my idea, not sure what I was thinking). Since leaving treatment I hadn't been able to eat in front of other people without having a panic attack so I was pretty convinced that the guy would run for the hills for sure. The night before the date we were talking and he asked about the meaning of my new tattoo, I figured I'd be honest and if he couldn't handle it then that would be that. To my surprise he was totally fine with it and very supportive and he thanked me for being honest with him.
Although I knew he said he was ok with it I was still not convinced and was terrified that either I wouldn't be able to eat or I'd force myself to eat and then restrict the next day to punish myself. However, I had a great time and was very happy that I went. I was completely shocked when we left and I realized that I had eaten a salad, my main dish and half of my dessert without even thinking about it! Plus I had no negative or guilty thoughts about how much I ate. This guy had quite the effect on me and he piqued my interest.
When I got home that night my living arrangement fell apart and I had to find a place to live by the next day. I couldn't find anyone to stay with and broke down and cried when my date sent me a text telling me he had a really great time and that he wanted to see me again. I needed someone to talk to so I called him and when he asked why I was upset I told him everything, he was not happy.
The next morning around 6:30 I got a text from him that said I was welcome to go stay with him and his family. I was thrilled and anxious, I had only gone on one date with this guy and now I was going to live with his family? I had no where else to go so I accepted and I'm so glad that I did. His family is amazingly nice and so sweet. Since the date on Sunday night I've been eating 100% of my meals, I'm that comfortable around him and his family. I didn't realize how stressed I'd actually been and ended up sleeping pretty much all of the past two days. Things are going well between me and the guy too, he's very respectful and makes me smile, which I hadn't been doing lately. My therapist was ecstatic about this turn of events and told me this was exactly what I needed. She also pointed out the huge change in my mood since the last time she saw me.
Hopefully this guys mom was right when she said "You've had such a hard time sweety, but this is the start of your luck turning around."
Although I knew he said he was ok with it I was still not convinced and was terrified that either I wouldn't be able to eat or I'd force myself to eat and then restrict the next day to punish myself. However, I had a great time and was very happy that I went. I was completely shocked when we left and I realized that I had eaten a salad, my main dish and half of my dessert without even thinking about it! Plus I had no negative or guilty thoughts about how much I ate. This guy had quite the effect on me and he piqued my interest.
When I got home that night my living arrangement fell apart and I had to find a place to live by the next day. I couldn't find anyone to stay with and broke down and cried when my date sent me a text telling me he had a really great time and that he wanted to see me again. I needed someone to talk to so I called him and when he asked why I was upset I told him everything, he was not happy.
The next morning around 6:30 I got a text from him that said I was welcome to go stay with him and his family. I was thrilled and anxious, I had only gone on one date with this guy and now I was going to live with his family? I had no where else to go so I accepted and I'm so glad that I did. His family is amazingly nice and so sweet. Since the date on Sunday night I've been eating 100% of my meals, I'm that comfortable around him and his family. I didn't realize how stressed I'd actually been and ended up sleeping pretty much all of the past two days. Things are going well between me and the guy too, he's very respectful and makes me smile, which I hadn't been doing lately. My therapist was ecstatic about this turn of events and told me this was exactly what I needed. She also pointed out the huge change in my mood since the last time she saw me.
Hopefully this guys mom was right when she said "You've had such a hard time sweety, but this is the start of your luck turning around."
Friday, May 13, 2011
You Are Beautiful
This morning I woke up in a terrible mood and did not want to eat yet again. My computer was on the nightstand so I decided to do a little surfing before I got up. The first site I went to was Operation Beautiful, one of my favorite sites. I'm so glad I did because looking through the notes helped me find the strength to get up and eat. And yes, I carry around a stack of Post-Its and leave messages in random places :0)
I also want to say thank you for the feedback I've been receiving. I've been told that readers like the fact that I'm so open and honest, that I show that recovery is not an easy road, that my writing gets better with every post and (the compliment that I find most touching) that I am an inspiration to others. Hearing all of those things make me want to continue writing. I began this because I find it therapeutic but also in the hopes that it would help someone else out there. So thank you!
Thursday, May 12, 2011
It's Always So Easy to Fall Back Down That Hole....
This isn't easy to say, but I'm falling into that dark hole that is my ED, and I'm falling fast. On Tuesday I met with my therapist and she asked how I was eating. I told her I was cutting back on carbs and fat because I was eating so badly since I got out of treatment that I want to eat healthier. She looked right at me and said "So you're restricting again in an effort to be healthy?" We both knew what a huge contradiction that was and what my real reasoning is.
Last night something big happened and as a result I am now scrambling once again to find somewhere to live. While I understand why I have to leave, it is a HUGE trigger for me. I have been having problems with feeling rejected lately, and because of that the thoughts that I'm not good/perfect/thin enough have returned in full force, and so I don't deserve to have friends, I don't deserve to have nice people in my life and I don't deserve to have anything good in my life. I cried for three hours last night until I finally passed out. The person involved doesn't realize he's doing it so I'm trying very hard not to show the effect he is having on me, as usual I'm acting like everything is fine. I called my therapist and said "somethings happened" and she squeezed me in for a second session this afternoon.
But I'm not fine, I'm not even ok. I am in a downward spiral and I had forgotten how easy it is to fall back into the hole, and how fast you fall. Last night after being asked "Don't you need to eat?" (for the record, this is one of the things you should never say to a person with an ED, there's a whole list of things you shouldn't say according to specialists, and this is a biggie) and so I even though I took this a challenge NOT to eat, I made myself a bowl of cereal, took it into my room, and choked it down. This morning I woke up and decided that I don't deserve to eat because what happened is partly my fault, so I'm a bad person and I need to punish myself. When I get to this point I stop eating altogether and live off of fluids only, which was what landed me in treatment.
I had a 20 ounce bottle of water in my room and I downed the whole thing so quickly it almost came right back up (breakfast). Then I had to go to Starbucks to meet with someone about renting a room from them. I got there first and ordered a large Passion tea/lemonade (lunch), then decided that maybe I should try to eat something (I am trying). I asked for a mini doughnut and this is what the person behind the counter said laughingly, "A single mini doughnut, that's how you stay so thin! That's the secret, just eat one mini doughnut. Good for you!" Wow, crash and burn into a fiery inferno with no survivors. I took it as a challenge (of course) and wasn't going to eat it but then the person I was meeting with came in and I didn't want them asking me about it so I ate it, and now I hate myself even more.
I am relapsing, I think everyone would agree to that. Out of treatment two and a half weeks and I'm back in the hole. While I feel safe there, I feel extreme anger. I am trying to fight it, but the voice in my head is getting louder and louder. I don't want to be in the hole, but I want to feel small and safe. To be honest, I think I've been heading towards this since leaving treatment, like the gun was cocked and loaded but I needed something to pull the trigger, and this is it. I know I'm disappointing a lot of people, they had high expectations of me, since I went into treatment I should be all better shouldn't I? Shouldn't it be easier for me to prevent this since I just got out and have a constant reminder tattooed on my wrist? No, I'm not, and no, it isn't.
Last night something big happened and as a result I am now scrambling once again to find somewhere to live. While I understand why I have to leave, it is a HUGE trigger for me. I have been having problems with feeling rejected lately, and because of that the thoughts that I'm not good/perfect/thin enough have returned in full force, and so I don't deserve to have friends, I don't deserve to have nice people in my life and I don't deserve to have anything good in my life. I cried for three hours last night until I finally passed out. The person involved doesn't realize he's doing it so I'm trying very hard not to show the effect he is having on me, as usual I'm acting like everything is fine. I called my therapist and said "somethings happened" and she squeezed me in for a second session this afternoon.
But I'm not fine, I'm not even ok. I am in a downward spiral and I had forgotten how easy it is to fall back into the hole, and how fast you fall. Last night after being asked "Don't you need to eat?" (for the record, this is one of the things you should never say to a person with an ED, there's a whole list of things you shouldn't say according to specialists, and this is a biggie) and so I even though I took this a challenge NOT to eat, I made myself a bowl of cereal, took it into my room, and choked it down. This morning I woke up and decided that I don't deserve to eat because what happened is partly my fault, so I'm a bad person and I need to punish myself. When I get to this point I stop eating altogether and live off of fluids only, which was what landed me in treatment.
I had a 20 ounce bottle of water in my room and I downed the whole thing so quickly it almost came right back up (breakfast). Then I had to go to Starbucks to meet with someone about renting a room from them. I got there first and ordered a large Passion tea/lemonade (lunch), then decided that maybe I should try to eat something (I am trying). I asked for a mini doughnut and this is what the person behind the counter said laughingly, "A single mini doughnut, that's how you stay so thin! That's the secret, just eat one mini doughnut. Good for you!" Wow, crash and burn into a fiery inferno with no survivors. I took it as a challenge (of course) and wasn't going to eat it but then the person I was meeting with came in and I didn't want them asking me about it so I ate it, and now I hate myself even more.
I am relapsing, I think everyone would agree to that. Out of treatment two and a half weeks and I'm back in the hole. While I feel safe there, I feel extreme anger. I am trying to fight it, but the voice in my head is getting louder and louder. I don't want to be in the hole, but I want to feel small and safe. To be honest, I think I've been heading towards this since leaving treatment, like the gun was cocked and loaded but I needed something to pull the trigger, and this is it. I know I'm disappointing a lot of people, they had high expectations of me, since I went into treatment I should be all better shouldn't I? Shouldn't it be easier for me to prevent this since I just got out and have a constant reminder tattooed on my wrist? No, I'm not, and no, it isn't.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
The Anger is Back
Today just sucked. This went on longer than expected so please be patient.
I got dressed this morning and my favorite pair of jeans fit without the accompaniment of a belt, so I sat on the floor and cried. And this was just the beginning. I threw on a tank top because I am trying to work on accepting my upper body. My arms are tiny because I have lost so much muscle mass and I feel like everyone stares at them. However, the tank top revealed my enlarged chest and when I looked in the mirror I thought "Holy cleavage Batman!" Then, to my surprise, I looked in the full length mirror and the thought "My ass looks amazing!" popped into my head without me even realizing it. But as quickly as the positive thought came, a dozen negative thoughts took it's place.
To calm myself down I picked up a book and started reading until it was time to head out to my therapy appointment. A quick stop at the Dunkin Donuts for coffee sent me reeling yet again. The woman in front of me was close to my age, a little heavier and wearing a baggy hoody over baggy jeans. The guy behind the counter hardly looked up at her and simply said "Here's your change," and then walked away. I took her place at the counter in my tight jeans and my tight tank top (this is not how I typically dress), and the guy came back to the counter with a huge smile on his face. He was very cheerful and polite as he took my order and insisted on filling it himself when a female employee said she'd get it. He looked me in the eyes, smiled, gave me my change, asked if I wanted a receipt, and then asked if I needed help finding the straws, which have always been right by the door. Now I may have my moments, we all do, but I'm not so inept that I can't find a straw, but he was ready to come around the counter and help me. I told him "no thank you, I'm all set." He thanked me for coming in and told me he hoped I had a "really great day."
This really pissed me off. I know that "pretty" people tend to be treated better in life than the "regular" members of society. This is especially true when males are dealing with females. It's been shown that a single look or comment made by a guy, even unknowingly, is enough to crush a woman's ego and image of herself. I am one of those women; I can't count how many times a boyfriend has looked at me "the wrong way" or said "You're perfect but you'd look better if you gained a little weight," and I interpreted it as "You look gross," or "You aren't pretty enough," or simply "You just aren't good enough."
So, why did the DD's guy hardly look at the woman in front of me but was tripping over himself to help me? The only conclusion I can make (and anyone who reads this, please tell me if you think differently) is that he considered me to be one of those "pretty" people, and the woman in front of me was not. How is this fair?
After therapy (which did not go well and maybe I'll wrote about it tomorrow) I went to the bookstore. I started out in the psychology section and there was a guy also looking in that section. He said "hi" and smiled at me so I returned the greeting. I then moved onto the religion section, and so did he. Then I moved onto the current events section, and so did he. I'll admit I found this amusing. Finally I moved onto the women's studies section and began looking at books. The guy again followed me but the moment he realized what section he was in and what books I was looking at, he gave me a half-assed smirk and left. This left me thinking "WTF?"
Recently I "liked" feminism on Facebook and received the following message from a guy I've never met: "Stop being such a man hating bitch!" I was completely floored by this comment! It's not the only slack I've received either, and I wish I could say it all comes from men, but I'd be lying. Apparently by being interested in feminism, women's studies, rights, history, etc, it has to mean that I hate everything with a penis. Even my father, when I told him that I don't enjoy dating and would rather be alone asked me "So you're just using the men in your life for sex?" I don't understand this way of thinking at all. Many of my friends are men and most of the people I've dated were men, I care for them as much as I care for the women in my life, so where does this hate factor in?
Between what happened on my coffee run, what happened at the book store, and what happened on Facebook, I'm back to feeling so angry that I don't know what to do with it. I feel exactly like I did those few days in treatment when I wouldn't speak to staff or come out of my room, except this time I don't have S to sit with me and patiently talk me through it. I'm angry with my body, with people in general, with my thought processes, with food, with friends and family. I am just completely filled with anger again, and even that makes me angry!
Today has been an exhaustingly awful day.
I got dressed this morning and my favorite pair of jeans fit without the accompaniment of a belt, so I sat on the floor and cried. And this was just the beginning. I threw on a tank top because I am trying to work on accepting my upper body. My arms are tiny because I have lost so much muscle mass and I feel like everyone stares at them. However, the tank top revealed my enlarged chest and when I looked in the mirror I thought "Holy cleavage Batman!" Then, to my surprise, I looked in the full length mirror and the thought "My ass looks amazing!" popped into my head without me even realizing it. But as quickly as the positive thought came, a dozen negative thoughts took it's place.
To calm myself down I picked up a book and started reading until it was time to head out to my therapy appointment. A quick stop at the Dunkin Donuts for coffee sent me reeling yet again. The woman in front of me was close to my age, a little heavier and wearing a baggy hoody over baggy jeans. The guy behind the counter hardly looked up at her and simply said "Here's your change," and then walked away. I took her place at the counter in my tight jeans and my tight tank top (this is not how I typically dress), and the guy came back to the counter with a huge smile on his face. He was very cheerful and polite as he took my order and insisted on filling it himself when a female employee said she'd get it. He looked me in the eyes, smiled, gave me my change, asked if I wanted a receipt, and then asked if I needed help finding the straws, which have always been right by the door. Now I may have my moments, we all do, but I'm not so inept that I can't find a straw, but he was ready to come around the counter and help me. I told him "no thank you, I'm all set." He thanked me for coming in and told me he hoped I had a "really great day."
This really pissed me off. I know that "pretty" people tend to be treated better in life than the "regular" members of society. This is especially true when males are dealing with females. It's been shown that a single look or comment made by a guy, even unknowingly, is enough to crush a woman's ego and image of herself. I am one of those women; I can't count how many times a boyfriend has looked at me "the wrong way" or said "You're perfect but you'd look better if you gained a little weight," and I interpreted it as "You look gross," or "You aren't pretty enough," or simply "You just aren't good enough."
So, why did the DD's guy hardly look at the woman in front of me but was tripping over himself to help me? The only conclusion I can make (and anyone who reads this, please tell me if you think differently) is that he considered me to be one of those "pretty" people, and the woman in front of me was not. How is this fair?
After therapy (which did not go well and maybe I'll wrote about it tomorrow) I went to the bookstore. I started out in the psychology section and there was a guy also looking in that section. He said "hi" and smiled at me so I returned the greeting. I then moved onto the religion section, and so did he. Then I moved onto the current events section, and so did he. I'll admit I found this amusing. Finally I moved onto the women's studies section and began looking at books. The guy again followed me but the moment he realized what section he was in and what books I was looking at, he gave me a half-assed smirk and left. This left me thinking "WTF?"
Recently I "liked" feminism on Facebook and received the following message from a guy I've never met: "Stop being such a man hating bitch!" I was completely floored by this comment! It's not the only slack I've received either, and I wish I could say it all comes from men, but I'd be lying. Apparently by being interested in feminism, women's studies, rights, history, etc, it has to mean that I hate everything with a penis. Even my father, when I told him that I don't enjoy dating and would rather be alone asked me "So you're just using the men in your life for sex?" I don't understand this way of thinking at all. Many of my friends are men and most of the people I've dated were men, I care for them as much as I care for the women in my life, so where does this hate factor in?
Between what happened on my coffee run, what happened at the book store, and what happened on Facebook, I'm back to feeling so angry that I don't know what to do with it. I feel exactly like I did those few days in treatment when I wouldn't speak to staff or come out of my room, except this time I don't have S to sit with me and patiently talk me through it. I'm angry with my body, with people in general, with my thought processes, with food, with friends and family. I am just completely filled with anger again, and even that makes me angry!
Today has been an exhaustingly awful day.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
And Now a Moment of Cuteness
The best birthday gift I got this year was being able to bring my ferret, Scritch, home. A week before I entered the treatment center Scritch became seriously ill and the vet thought that he had cancer. He needed round the clock care, including being hand fed every three hours. I was in such bad condition, being depressed, severely malnourished and stressed out over a complication that arose while trying to move, that I decided it would be best if I signed Scritch over to a local ferret shelter on a temporary basis. My friend Donna runs the shelter and is a ferret expert so I knew he'd receive the care he needed. A couple of days later I was told that due to my ED I was considered "critical" and needed to be admitted to the treatment center for inpatient care. Knowing that Scritch would be taken care of made this a little easier for me.
When I went to pick out a ferret Scritch was the smallest one there. While the other ferrets were trying to get my attention, Scritch managed to push his way through them, run up my arm, and sit on top of my baseball hat and would not come down. Right away I knew that Scritch had chosen me and that I was taking him home.
Scritch was tested for lymphoma and cancer of the spleen, but so far all his tests have come back as inconclusive. He is now almost 100% better and I got to bring him home on my birthday.
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| Baby Scritch |
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| Baby Scritch, he fit in my hand at this age |
When I went to pick out a ferret Scritch was the smallest one there. While the other ferrets were trying to get my attention, Scritch managed to push his way through them, run up my arm, and sit on top of my baseball hat and would not come down. Right away I knew that Scritch had chosen me and that I was taking him home.
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| "Let me outa here!" |
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| Scritch all grown up! I got Scritch at such a young age that he seems to have adopted me as his "Mum." He follows me around the house like a duckling following around its momma duck. He becomes very anxious when he can't see me or get to me. He is my little lovey :0) |
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| "Hi! Whatcha doin?" |
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| This was taken right before I signed him over while he was sick |
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| "I know I'm cute." |
Friday, May 6, 2011
Birthday girl!
On May 6, 1981 I came into this world, a rolly-poly, pink baby with strawberry-blonde hair. Also, on May 6, 1984, my little brother, Brandon, was born. For years I tormented him by telling him that he was the worst birthday present I ever got, but of course I love him dearly :-) Today we turned 30 and 27 years old.
Yup, the big 3-0. Everyone has been asking me how I'm taking it, I'm taking it fine and having a great day! I've made a few mental and physical changes, but it has nothing to do with entering into a new decade of life.
While in treatment I became extremely angry over the span of a few days, so angry that I wouldn't leave my room or speak with staff. The staff became so concerned that they asked one of the therapists (S) who did yoga and worked with us holistically, to talk to me since we had made a real connection. She helped me realize that part of why I was so angry was that my ED started when I was 14, and while my peers were developing a sense of self, I was developing my ED. This and the fact that I'm a different person depending on who I'm with have left me feeling completely disconnected from myself and I realized I had no idea who the real me is. Once S helped me understand what was bothering me, the anger became much more manageable. My team and I talked and they told me that part of my recovery process should include figuring out who I want to be and to allow myself to accept whoever I was destined to become. I found this idea of change both exciting and scary as hell, like most people with ED's change does not go over well with me.
Mentally I'm working on accepting myself, allowing myself to relax more and trying to remember that perfection does not exist. I'm also starting to think about the future and realized that I really do want to go to grad school. I've been seriously thinking about a degree which would allow me to combine psychology and women's studies. I've also partly come out with the fact that I like women as well as men (sorry to the family members who might be reading this and hearing of it for the first time). I've kept this part of me hidden because I was terrified of how certain people would react and I don't want to be labeled. Now I have an "If you can't accept me for me" attitude and realize that if someone doesn't want to be my friend or love me anymore because of this revelation, then I don't need them in my life.
The past few days I've been making some physical changes as well. My hair is now a darker shade of red (I'm naturally a redhead but I wanted to experiment) and I'm debating whether I'm willing to chop off my long, curly hair (EEK!) and go for a shorter style. Yesterday I got a new tattoo that has significant personal meaning to me and at the same time got the rook of my ear pierced (more piercings to come....). Probably the most significant change I've made is that I've been going out of the house without makeup or checking to make sure my hair is just right, something I would never have done before treatment due to the amount of anxiety it caused.
I'm impressed with how far I've come in such a short amount of time. I'm finally feeling like I deserve to relax and enjoy life (well at least I'm starting to). Tomorrow some friends and I are going to have a "girly" afternoon and eat some cake, and I'm going to allow myself to enjoy that cake :-)
Yup, the big 3-0. Everyone has been asking me how I'm taking it, I'm taking it fine and having a great day! I've made a few mental and physical changes, but it has nothing to do with entering into a new decade of life.
While in treatment I became extremely angry over the span of a few days, so angry that I wouldn't leave my room or speak with staff. The staff became so concerned that they asked one of the therapists (S) who did yoga and worked with us holistically, to talk to me since we had made a real connection. She helped me realize that part of why I was so angry was that my ED started when I was 14, and while my peers were developing a sense of self, I was developing my ED. This and the fact that I'm a different person depending on who I'm with have left me feeling completely disconnected from myself and I realized I had no idea who the real me is. Once S helped me understand what was bothering me, the anger became much more manageable. My team and I talked and they told me that part of my recovery process should include figuring out who I want to be and to allow myself to accept whoever I was destined to become. I found this idea of change both exciting and scary as hell, like most people with ED's change does not go over well with me.
Mentally I'm working on accepting myself, allowing myself to relax more and trying to remember that perfection does not exist. I'm also starting to think about the future and realized that I really do want to go to grad school. I've been seriously thinking about a degree which would allow me to combine psychology and women's studies. I've also partly come out with the fact that I like women as well as men (sorry to the family members who might be reading this and hearing of it for the first time). I've kept this part of me hidden because I was terrified of how certain people would react and I don't want to be labeled. Now I have an "If you can't accept me for me" attitude and realize that if someone doesn't want to be my friend or love me anymore because of this revelation, then I don't need them in my life.
The past few days I've been making some physical changes as well. My hair is now a darker shade of red (I'm naturally a redhead but I wanted to experiment) and I'm debating whether I'm willing to chop off my long, curly hair (EEK!) and go for a shorter style. Yesterday I got a new tattoo that has significant personal meaning to me and at the same time got the rook of my ear pierced (more piercings to come....). Probably the most significant change I've made is that I've been going out of the house without makeup or checking to make sure my hair is just right, something I would never have done before treatment due to the amount of anxiety it caused.I'm impressed with how far I've come in such a short amount of time. I'm finally feeling like I deserve to relax and enjoy life (well at least I'm starting to). Tomorrow some friends and I are going to have a "girly" afternoon and eat some cake, and I'm going to allow myself to enjoy that cake :-)
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
My Relationship Skills Are Lacking...
"Do you think the relationship is worth cultivating? Is it more of a positive support for you, or more of a negative?" My therapist asked me this during todays session and it's been on my mind ever since. I told her the truth, at this point everything and everyone in my life is both a positive and a negative, so how was I to say whether or not I should end the relationship we were discussing? This happened to be about a relationship with another person, but it got me thinking about other relationships in my life.
I've always had a difficult time with relationships, whether they be with friends, family, food, men, myself, co-workers, etc. Trust is also a major issue for me, so I'm always on the defensive and this creates problems. Here are just a few examples of the relationship issues going on in my life:
I've always had a difficult time with relationships, whether they be with friends, family, food, men, myself, co-workers, etc. Trust is also a major issue for me, so I'm always on the defensive and this creates problems. Here are just a few examples of the relationship issues going on in my life:
- Each one of my friends sees whatever side of me I think they want to see, it's the same with family. I'm starting to change this but it's very hard. I fear other people's disapproval and want to please all the time.
- Food and I haven't gotten along in years. I know I rely on it for survival, but at the same time I rely on it as a source of control, reward and punishment. Last night after a conversation with a friend all I could think about was how I've hurt so many people in my life (or at least that's how I feel). As a result I told myself I couldn't eat dinner because I deserved the hunger pains I was feeling. Clearly my thought process is distorted, but I don't realize it until well after the fact.
- Men. Well, I sabotaged my last relationship on purpose simply because the guy was nice. I was terrified of him seeing the real me. I was convinced that if he saw how depressed I get or how far I'll go with restricting my diet, we'd both end up hurt and he'd leave. We still talk from time to time, although I feel an immense amount of guilt for what I put him through.
- Me, myself, and I. Most of the time I can't stand myself, I know that sounds awful but it's the truth. Recently I was asked to make a list of what I felt were my positive and negative attributes. Under positive I wrote "intelligent," the negative list was three pages long. I'm slowly (very slowly) learning to accept myself and understand that some of that energy I put toward pleasing others should also be directed towards myself.
I know this post sounds extremely negative, but it isn't. The fact that I can recognize these issues is a huge step in the right direction. It's going to take a lot of time and effort to improve these aspects of my life, but I'm ready to step up and accept the challenge.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Are You Ready?
This is a very difficult post to write, but I'm making myself write it because otherwise I'll never admit it. All the doctors, nurses, dietitians, therapists, psychiatrists, cardiologists, etc tell you that you have to want to get better. Without this desire you will be alright on your own for a while, but then you will slip back into your old, comforting behaviors. For a brief time you will gain some semblance of control over your illness, but then it will overtake you once again. It doesn't mean that you were playing games with your treatment team, or that you weren't really doing the work, it just means that you weren't ready to want to get better.
I worked my ass off in treatment and was constantly praised for it by the staff and my team, the constant people pleaser to a fault. However, the whole time I was there I repeatedly said "I'm not ready," "I don't think I'll be able to do this on my own out there," "I'm still too afraid to get better." But I kept pushing myself harder and harder (I attacked it just like everything else in life, and perhaps that's part of the problem) until the next thing I knew I was being told that I was being discharged the next morning. As the news spread of my coming departure I was asked by staff, doctors and my social worker "So you ready for this? You feeling good?" and I said "Yes, of course." What else was there to say?
My head was reeling, how could I possibly go from eating nothing at all, to eating full meals and snacks under direct supervision of nurses and mental health counselors, to eating full meals and snacks all on my own? The morning of my discharge I sat with my dietitian who praised me for compiling the perfect week long meal plan, my social worker who praised me for being so honest with her about what I needed, my doctor who praised me for making such huge strides in repairing both my mental and physical health, and various staff members who all praised me for the amazing amount of effort I'd put into my treatment all while being such a pleasure to work with. Then after signing a few papers I was ushered out the door with a quick "Good luck!" and I was on my own.
I went out to my car, put my bag in the trunk, sat behind the wheel and cried like a baby. I should've been thrilled to go home, but I was terrified. I still am. I followed my meal plan for two days and haven't looked at it since. Yesterday my doctor asked how I've been eating and I was honest with her, she said it was fine as long as I was eating something and still gaining (which I am). The past few days I've felt my depression creeping back in and the ED voices are screaming louder than ever. I'm fighting it, but I'm so exhausted.
I wish I knew why I'm so afraid to let go, why I don't feel like I can let myself get better. It's not just about control, I know that, but I don't know what the bigger picture is. I'm afraid that I'll end up back in treatment, and while I was taught that it's ok to hit speed bumps once in a while, when do those speed bumps become all engulfing potholes?
I worked my ass off in treatment and was constantly praised for it by the staff and my team, the constant people pleaser to a fault. However, the whole time I was there I repeatedly said "I'm not ready," "I don't think I'll be able to do this on my own out there," "I'm still too afraid to get better." But I kept pushing myself harder and harder (I attacked it just like everything else in life, and perhaps that's part of the problem) until the next thing I knew I was being told that I was being discharged the next morning. As the news spread of my coming departure I was asked by staff, doctors and my social worker "So you ready for this? You feeling good?" and I said "Yes, of course." What else was there to say?
My head was reeling, how could I possibly go from eating nothing at all, to eating full meals and snacks under direct supervision of nurses and mental health counselors, to eating full meals and snacks all on my own? The morning of my discharge I sat with my dietitian who praised me for compiling the perfect week long meal plan, my social worker who praised me for being so honest with her about what I needed, my doctor who praised me for making such huge strides in repairing both my mental and physical health, and various staff members who all praised me for the amazing amount of effort I'd put into my treatment all while being such a pleasure to work with. Then after signing a few papers I was ushered out the door with a quick "Good luck!" and I was on my own.
I went out to my car, put my bag in the trunk, sat behind the wheel and cried like a baby. I should've been thrilled to go home, but I was terrified. I still am. I followed my meal plan for two days and haven't looked at it since. Yesterday my doctor asked how I've been eating and I was honest with her, she said it was fine as long as I was eating something and still gaining (which I am). The past few days I've felt my depression creeping back in and the ED voices are screaming louder than ever. I'm fighting it, but I'm so exhausted.
I wish I knew why I'm so afraid to let go, why I don't feel like I can let myself get better. It's not just about control, I know that, but I don't know what the bigger picture is. I'm afraid that I'll end up back in treatment, and while I was taught that it's ok to hit speed bumps once in a while, when do those speed bumps become all engulfing potholes?
Saturday, April 30, 2011
"Why would young women who stood to gain so much in life, try so hard to destroy themselves?"
The title of this post comes from the introduction of Aimee Liu's book, Gaining. She's not the only one whose ever asked this question, even I've asked it of myself and others around me. Eating disorders are about more than control, they are about fear, shame, guilt and a number of other negative emotions a person with an eating disorder is trying to hide. Liu explains in her introduction:
"Weight is the obvious culprit but misleading, since those who fear gaining have the least weight to lose. It's not really fat they fear, either, despite what they may say. It's all those positive, powerful gains that fulfill their deeper hungers. Some tell themselves they don't deserve a lover who can make them laugh. Others fear any promotion that involves responsibility. Still others instinctively distrust anyone who befriends them. The greatest fear, however, is that gaining will expose some shameful inner truth. It's not about the numbers on the scale. Deep down, we all know that."
The worst enemy an eating disordered person has is not the voice telling them not to eat, it's the voice telling them why they shouldn't eat. Mine tells me that I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve good or nice people in my life, I don't deserve to be loved, I don't deserve good things to happen to me, it tells me I'm an awful person who should be alone. This is what allows that other voice to creep in, the one that says "Don't eat." The two of them together are what drive me to be super competitive in every aspect of my life, all while doing whatever I can to scare people away from me, especially the nice ones. So even while I'm getting excellent grades, have amazing friends, date a nice guy here and there, I honestly feel that I don't deserve any of it. So in a way I guess I punish myself by not eating because I achieve things that I think I don't deserve. Of course it's much more complicated than that and this is just one very small aspect of the disorder.
Today I'm not doing well. I was doing alright managing the negative body image thoughts while eating since I got home. My doctors appointment yesterday blew it up in my face though. I found out how much I've gained this week and how much this month. As soon as I saw my weight the two voices started screaming inside my head and I hardly heard anything else the doctor had to say. Since then I've been absolutely miserable, inspecting my body for hours on end, staring at body parts in the mirror, pinching my stomach, sides and arms. On top of all this I'm sick with a high fever which makes the discomfort I'm feeling even worse.
Yesterday one of my friends told me that she knows I'm upset but that I look really good. Another friend, after I told her "I hate myself! I'm so fat!" told me she thinks I'm a beautiful person and to remember that this is going to be an extremely long process. Maybe that's what is bothering me, there is no quick fix. I think I want to get better but it's days like this that make it hard to remember that.
"Weight is the obvious culprit but misleading, since those who fear gaining have the least weight to lose. It's not really fat they fear, either, despite what they may say. It's all those positive, powerful gains that fulfill their deeper hungers. Some tell themselves they don't deserve a lover who can make them laugh. Others fear any promotion that involves responsibility. Still others instinctively distrust anyone who befriends them. The greatest fear, however, is that gaining will expose some shameful inner truth. It's not about the numbers on the scale. Deep down, we all know that."
The worst enemy an eating disordered person has is not the voice telling them not to eat, it's the voice telling them why they shouldn't eat. Mine tells me that I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve good or nice people in my life, I don't deserve to be loved, I don't deserve good things to happen to me, it tells me I'm an awful person who should be alone. This is what allows that other voice to creep in, the one that says "Don't eat." The two of them together are what drive me to be super competitive in every aspect of my life, all while doing whatever I can to scare people away from me, especially the nice ones. So even while I'm getting excellent grades, have amazing friends, date a nice guy here and there, I honestly feel that I don't deserve any of it. So in a way I guess I punish myself by not eating because I achieve things that I think I don't deserve. Of course it's much more complicated than that and this is just one very small aspect of the disorder.
Today I'm not doing well. I was doing alright managing the negative body image thoughts while eating since I got home. My doctors appointment yesterday blew it up in my face though. I found out how much I've gained this week and how much this month. As soon as I saw my weight the two voices started screaming inside my head and I hardly heard anything else the doctor had to say. Since then I've been absolutely miserable, inspecting my body for hours on end, staring at body parts in the mirror, pinching my stomach, sides and arms. On top of all this I'm sick with a high fever which makes the discomfort I'm feeling even worse.
Yesterday one of my friends told me that she knows I'm upset but that I look really good. Another friend, after I told her "I hate myself! I'm so fat!" told me she thinks I'm a beautiful person and to remember that this is going to be an extremely long process. Maybe that's what is bothering me, there is no quick fix. I think I want to get better but it's days like this that make it hard to remember that.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Intelligent Women Are Sexy Women
I love being a woman, you couldn't pay me enough to be a man. I was never much of a "girly-girl," I didn't care about hair, clothes or make-up until recently, and I've always been closer to my guy friends than I am to my girl friends. I've always hated the fact that so many girls and women, who are extremely intelligent, become giggling idiots the moment a guy comes into the room. Do guys really fall for the stupid girl act or do they see through it but accept it because it boosts their egos? Probably depends on the guy.
I don't do the stupid girl act, I am a self proclaimed nerdy girl. I've met quite a few guys who are initially attracted to me based upon my looks, but the moment I start talking about what I went to college for (Geography/Natural Resource Management), current events, science, law, basically anything that proves I'm not a stupid girl, they become intimidated and walk away. There have been a few exceptions though. The last guy I dated left science magazines out around his house for me to read because he knew I enjoyed that sort of thing. The fact that he recognized and accepted that I'm intelligent made him even more attractive in my mind.
So, to all the intelligent women out there (that's ALL of you), be proud of your intelligent, nerdy, geeky selves. Intelligent women are sexy women!
I don't do the stupid girl act, I am a self proclaimed nerdy girl. I've met quite a few guys who are initially attracted to me based upon my looks, but the moment I start talking about what I went to college for (Geography/Natural Resource Management), current events, science, law, basically anything that proves I'm not a stupid girl, they become intimidated and walk away. There have been a few exceptions though. The last guy I dated left science magazines out around his house for me to read because he knew I enjoyed that sort of thing. The fact that he recognized and accepted that I'm intelligent made him even more attractive in my mind.
So, to all the intelligent women out there (that's ALL of you), be proud of your intelligent, nerdy, geeky selves. Intelligent women are sexy women!
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Bums, Boobs and Thighs, Oh My!
As I started to gain some weight back while in treatment, it seemed like I was only gaining weight in my chest. One morning I walked into the group room and one of the teenage girls jokingly said "Jenn, put those things away!" I laughed about it but immediately became self-concious and decided to wear my jacket or hooded sweatshirt at all times. All of the sudden I had boobs! I mean, they were always there, but not like this. My bras became tight and uncomfortable and every morning in the shower I was shocked by what I saw.
Eventually the weight began to show in other body parts, particularly my bum and thighs. Now not only were by bras tight and uncomfortable, but so were my jeans and underwear. Every time I looked in the mirror *BAM* I had curves in the back and *BAM* I had curves in the front. I began to notice that my thighs were getting thicker and heavier as well and all this change happening to my body so quickly sent me into full blown "I HATE MYSELF OH MY GOSH I'M SO FRICKEN HUGE!" mode.
If you're like me bums, boobs and thighs are terrifying things. My eating disorder allowed me to be small and to feel insignificant. I felt that if I didn't have a bum or boobs then men wouldn't be interested in me. Of course that backfired on me since every guy I've ever dated has told me they prefer small boobs (the adage "More than a handful is wasteful" comes to mind). So what's a girl to do?
I'm trying to take it all in stride and remind myself that I am a woman and women are supposed to have curves. I keep hearing my mom in my head telling me "You always look so good at a healthy weight! You've got an amazing figure!" And in the mornings while brushing my teeth I look in the mirror and say to my body "Alright girls (as I turn and look at my chest) and you there, bum and thighs (as I turn around and look at my backside) let's all try to get along with brain today. Ready? BREAK!"
Eventually the weight began to show in other body parts, particularly my bum and thighs. Now not only were by bras tight and uncomfortable, but so were my jeans and underwear. Every time I looked in the mirror *BAM* I had curves in the back and *BAM* I had curves in the front. I began to notice that my thighs were getting thicker and heavier as well and all this change happening to my body so quickly sent me into full blown "I HATE MYSELF OH MY GOSH I'M SO FRICKEN HUGE!" mode.
If you're like me bums, boobs and thighs are terrifying things. My eating disorder allowed me to be small and to feel insignificant. I felt that if I didn't have a bum or boobs then men wouldn't be interested in me. Of course that backfired on me since every guy I've ever dated has told me they prefer small boobs (the adage "More than a handful is wasteful" comes to mind). So what's a girl to do?
I'm trying to take it all in stride and remind myself that I am a woman and women are supposed to have curves. I keep hearing my mom in my head telling me "You always look so good at a healthy weight! You've got an amazing figure!" And in the mornings while brushing my teeth I look in the mirror and say to my body "Alright girls (as I turn and look at my chest) and you there, bum and thighs (as I turn around and look at my backside) let's all try to get along with brain today. Ready? BREAK!"
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
An Introduction...
My body and I have been in disagreement for the past sixteen years, both of us wanting control. I was recently discharged from an eating disorder treatment center where, not only did I learn how to eat properly, but also that my mind and body can co-exist peacefully. Since then I've really been interested in body image and the role it plays in so many women's and girl's lives (and of course men as well).
The way we see ourselves in the mirror affects us in such a huge way and many of us never really give it that much consideration, I know I didn't. For sixteen years I just knew that I hated EVERYTHING about my body, but I didn't think about how these thoughts would affect the psychological and social areas of my development. This doesn't mean that all of the sudden, *POOF*, like magic I love my body (don't we all wish it was that easy?). I despise my body, my recent weight gain has left me feeling uncomfortable, self-concious and feeling a mixture of satisfaction and hate at the same time.
My relationship with food hasn't improved all that much either. I eat because I have to, but despise every bite I take. Also, I'm not eating in a healthy manner. Thanks to the recent Easter holiday, I've been living almost completely off jelly beans and chocolate, with a few healthy things thrown in the mix from time to time. The other day I cut up an apple, thinking "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" with each slice. As far as I know the apple wasn't guilty of any crime, so why was I directing so much anger towards it?
So you're probably thinking "Where is this going?"
I know that I need to:
1) Improve my relationship with food
2) Find a way to align my mind and my body
3) Learn to listen to and recognize my body's needs
4) Recognize that my body is an amazing thing and does not deserve all the hate its received over the years
5) My ED has taken up so much of my energy and time that I need to take some time to figure out who I really am
However, I know myself quite well, I'm not very good at this type of thing and if I try to go it on my own I'll fall back into my old behaviors. So I started this blog with the hope that it will help keep me on track and that maybe it might be of help to someone else out there in the internet universe.
So sit back and read as I start my journey of re-discovering myself :-)
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