Grocery shopping is always torture. Today was worse than usual though. I wanted a case of Snapple Mango-something-or-other iced tea. I didn't buy it, not because I felt guilty, but because I'm to weak to carry it up the stairs to my apartment (keep in mind I'm at the highest weight I've ever been).
Wow.
I'm really struggling right now, mainly because I feel so alone. Unlike in the treatment center I don't have people around me who understand what I'm going through to talk to on a daily basis. Body checking is getting out of control and has definitely taken the place of obsessively weighing myself. They took away my scale to stop that obsession, what can they take away to stop the checking?
I changed my profile picture on Facebook (I HATE Facebook, I'm not sure why I keep it, it just leads to more guilt, pain and envy) and have gotten many compliments on it. I've been told that I look gorgeous, happy, beautiful, hot, etc. The picture was taken maybe a month before I went into the treatment center. What no one sees is the sadness and pain behind that smile, no one ever does. I keep staring at that picture thinking how much I hate that girl, how I don't want to be her anymore, but also thinking she's the prettiest she's ever been. She's a delicate porcelain doll, with perfect hair, perfect make-up, perfect, wide, blue eyes....Sad.
I bought a new journal today because I hate how pathetic my old one was. It was so full of anger, fear and frustration. I'm hoping this one will be different.
Something needs to be different damn it!
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