"Why would young women who stood to gain so much in life, try so hard to destroy themselves?"

The title of this post comes from the introduction of Aimee Liu's book, Gaining. She's not the only one whose ever asked this question, even I've asked it of myself and others around me. Eating disorders are about more than control, they are about fear, shame, guilt and a number of other negative emotions a person with an eating disorder is trying to hide. Liu explains in her introduction:

"Weight is the obvious culprit but misleading, since those who fear gaining have the least weight to lose. It's not really fat they fear, either, despite what they may say. It's all those positive, powerful gains that fulfill their deeper hungers. Some tell themselves they don't deserve a lover who can make them laugh. Others fear any promotion that involves responsibility. Still others instinctively distrust anyone who befriends them. The greatest fear, however, is that gaining will expose some shameful inner truth. It's not about the numbers on the scale. Deep down, we all know that."

The worst enemy an eating disordered person has is not the voice telling them not to eat, it's the voice telling them why they shouldn't eat. Mine tells me that I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve good or nice people in my life, I don't deserve to be loved, I don't deserve good things to happen to me, it tells me I'm an awful person who should be alone. This is what allows that other voice to creep in, the one that says "Don't eat." The two of them together are what drive me to be super competitive in every aspect of my life, all while doing whatever I can to scare people away from me, especially the nice ones. So even while I'm getting excellent grades, have amazing friends, date a nice guy here and there, I honestly feel that I don't deserve any of it. So in a way I guess I punish myself by not eating because I achieve things that I think I don't deserve. Of course it's much more complicated than that and this is just one very small aspect of the disorder.

Today I'm not doing well. I was doing alright managing the negative body image thoughts while eating since I got home. My doctors appointment yesterday blew it up in my face though. I found out how much I've gained this week and how much this month. As soon as I saw my weight the two voices started screaming inside my head and I hardly heard anything else the doctor had to say. Since then I've been absolutely miserable, inspecting my body for hours on end, staring at body parts in the mirror, pinching my stomach, sides and arms. On top of all this I'm sick with a high fever which makes the discomfort I'm feeling even worse.

Yesterday one of my friends told me that she knows I'm upset but that I look really good. Another friend, after I told her "I hate myself! I'm so fat!" told me she thinks I'm a beautiful person and to remember that this is going to be an extremely long process. Maybe that's what is bothering me, there is no quick fix. I think I want to get better but it's days like this that make it hard to remember that.

Intelligent Women Are Sexy Women

I love being a woman, you couldn't pay me enough to be a man. I was never much of a "girly-girl," I didn't care about hair, clothes or make-up until recently, and I've always been closer to my guy friends than I am to my girl friends. I've always hated the fact that so many girls and women, who are extremely intelligent,  become giggling idiots the moment a guy comes into the room. Do guys really fall for the stupid girl act or do they see through it but accept it because it boosts their egos? Probably depends on the guy.

I don't do the stupid girl act, I am a self proclaimed nerdy girl. I've met quite a few guys who are initially attracted to me based upon my looks, but the moment I start talking about what I went to college for (Geography/Natural Resource Management), current events, science, law, basically anything that proves I'm not a stupid girl, they become intimidated and walk away. There have been a few exceptions though. The last guy I dated left science magazines out around his house for me to read because he knew I enjoyed that sort of thing. The fact that he recognized and accepted that I'm intelligent made him even more attractive in my mind.

So, to all the intelligent women out there (that's ALL of you), be proud of your intelligent, nerdy, geeky selves. Intelligent women are sexy women!

Bums, Boobs and Thighs, Oh My!

As I started to gain some weight back while in treatment, it seemed like I was only gaining weight in my chest. One morning I walked into the group room and one of the teenage girls jokingly said "Jenn, put those things away!" I laughed about it but immediately became self-concious and decided to wear my jacket or hooded sweatshirt at all times. All of the sudden I had boobs! I mean, they were always there, but not like this. My bras became tight and uncomfortable and every morning in the shower I was shocked by what I saw.

Eventually the weight began to show in other body parts, particularly my bum and thighs. Now not only were by bras tight and uncomfortable, but so were my jeans and underwear. Every time I looked in the mirror *BAM* I had curves in the back and *BAM* I had curves in the front. I began to notice that my thighs were getting thicker and heavier as well and all this change happening to my body so quickly sent me into full blown "I HATE MYSELF OH MY GOSH I'M SO FRICKEN HUGE!" mode.

If you're like me bums, boobs and thighs are terrifying things. My eating disorder allowed me to be small and to feel insignificant. I felt that if I didn't have a bum or boobs then men wouldn't be interested in me. Of course that backfired on me since every guy I've ever dated has told me they prefer small boobs (the adage "More than a handful is wasteful" comes to mind). So what's a girl to do?

I'm trying to take it all in stride and remind myself that I am a woman and women are supposed to have curves. I keep hearing my mom in my head telling me "You always look so good at a healthy weight! You've got an amazing figure!" And in the mornings while brushing my teeth I look in the mirror and say to my body "Alright girls (as I turn and look at my chest) and you there, bum and thighs (as I turn around and look at my backside) let's all try to get along with brain today. Ready? BREAK!"

An Introduction...

My body and I have been in disagreement for the past sixteen years, both of us wanting control. I was recently discharged from an eating disorder treatment center where, not only did I learn how to eat properly, but also that my mind and body can co-exist peacefully. Since then I've really been interested in body image and the role it plays in so many women's and girl's lives (and of course men as well). 

The way we see ourselves in the mirror affects us in such a huge way and many of us never really give it that much consideration, I know I didn't. For sixteen years I just knew that I hated EVERYTHING about my body, but I didn't think about how these thoughts would affect the psychological and social areas of my development. This doesn't mean that all of the sudden, *POOF*, like magic I love my body (don't we all wish it was that easy?). I despise my body, my recent weight gain has left  me feeling uncomfortable, self-concious and feeling a mixture of satisfaction and hate at the same time. 

My relationship with food hasn't improved all that much either. I eat because I have to, but despise every bite I take. Also, I'm not eating in a healthy manner. Thanks to the recent Easter holiday, I've been living almost completely off jelly beans and chocolate, with a few healthy things thrown in the mix from time to time. The other day I cut up an apple, thinking "I hate you, I hate you, I hate you" with each slice. As far as I know the apple wasn't guilty of any crime, so why was I directing so much anger towards it?

So you're probably thinking "Where is this going?"

I know that I need to:

1) Improve my relationship with food

2) Find a way to align my mind and my body

3) Learn to listen to and recognize my body's needs

4) Recognize that my body is an amazing thing and does not deserve all the hate its received over the  years

5) My ED has taken up so much of my energy and time that I need to take some time to figure out who I really am

However, I know myself quite well, I'm not very good at this type of thing and if I try to go it on my own I'll fall back into my old behaviors. So I started this blog with the hope that it will help keep me on track and that maybe it might be of help to someone else out there in the internet universe.

So sit back and read as I start my journey of re-discovering myself :-)