Fears

I have gained a lot of weight very quickly over the last week (I'm guessing my body isn't hyper-metabolic anymore) and I'm terrified. Two of my biggest fears are that once I start eating I won't be able to stop, and if I stop showing my pain outwardly, people will forget that the pain is there at all.

The first fear seems kind of silly, but it's already proving true. Breakfast is my "safe meal," so I usually eat in the morning. The problem lately is that I don't feel full in the mornings, so I will eat bowl, after bowl, after bowl of cereal. My dietitian said I could only have two bowls a day, but I don't feel full after only two bowls so my stomach will hurt. Occasionally I will eat until I get sick, I don't purge, I just literally fill myself up until my stomach can't hold anymore. I'm terrified of becoming a binge eater.

The second fear seems to be a pretty popular one with people who have ED's. People tend to assume that if you've gained weight and look healthy, you must be OK. That is so far from the truth. Yes, right now I look healthier, but I'm still malnourished and I am angry and in pain (mentally) ALL THE TIME. The pain doesn't go away just because the pain can't be seen physically; looks can be deceiving.

I have other fears too, that the voice will never go away, that I'll be in and out of treatment all the time, that my distorted thinking will never get better, that I'll be "recovered" for a long period of time and then relapse, and that I'll never be able to live up to people's expectations. The fear leads to shame, which leads to anger, which leads to guilt, which leads to sadness, it never seems to end.