My Relationship Skills Are Lacking...

"Do you think the relationship is worth cultivating? Is it more of a positive support for you, or more of a negative?" My therapist asked me this during todays session and it's been on my mind ever since. I told her the truth, at this point everything and everyone in my life is both a positive and a negative, so how was I to say whether or not I should end the relationship we were discussing? This happened to be about a relationship with another person, but it got me thinking about other relationships in my life.

I've always had a difficult time with relationships, whether they be with friends, family, food, men, myself, co-workers, etc. Trust is also a major issue for me, so I'm always on the defensive and this creates problems. Here are just a few examples of the relationship issues going on in my life:

• Each one of my friends sees whatever side of me I think they want to see, it's the same with family. I'm starting to change this but it's very hard. I fear other people's disapproval and want to please all the time.
• Food and I haven't gotten along in years. I know I rely on it for survival, but at the same time I rely on it as a source of control, reward and punishment. Last night after a conversation with a friend all I could think about was how I've hurt so many people in my life (or at least that's how I feel). As a result I told myself I couldn't eat dinner because I deserved the hunger pains I was feeling. Clearly my thought process is distorted, but I don't realize it until well after the fact.
• Men. Well, I sabotaged my last relationship on purpose simply because the guy was nice. I was terrified of him seeing the real me. I was convinced that if he saw how depressed I get or how far I'll go with restricting my diet, we'd both end up hurt and he'd leave. We still talk from time to time, although I feel an immense amount of guilt for what I put him through.
• Me, myself, and I. Most of the time I can't stand myself, I know that sounds awful but it's the truth. Recently I was asked to make a list of what I felt were my positive and negative attributes. Under positive I wrote "intelligent," the negative list was three pages long. I'm slowly (very slowly) learning to accept myself and understand that some of that energy I put toward pleasing others should also be directed towards myself. 

I know this post sounds extremely negative, but it isn't. The fact that I can recognize these issues is a huge step in the right direction. It's going to take a lot of time and effort to improve these aspects of my life, but I'm ready to step up and accept the challenge.