The Anger is Back

Today just sucked. This went on longer than expected so please be patient.

I got dressed this morning and my favorite pair of jeans fit without the accompaniment of a belt, so I sat on the floor and cried. And this was just the beginning. I threw on a tank top because I am trying to work on accepting my upper body. My arms are tiny because I have lost so much muscle mass and I feel like everyone stares at them. However, the tank top revealed my enlarged chest and when I looked in the mirror I thought "Holy cleavage Batman!" Then, to my surprise, I looked in the full length mirror and the thought "My ass looks amazing!" popped into my head without me even realizing it. But as quickly as the positive thought came, a dozen negative thoughts took it's place.

To calm myself down I picked up a book and started reading until it was time to head out to my therapy appointment. A quick stop at the Dunkin Donuts for coffee sent me reeling yet again. The woman in front of me was close to my age, a little heavier and wearing a baggy hoody over baggy jeans. The guy behind the counter hardly looked up at her and simply said "Here's your change," and then walked away. I took her place at the counter in my tight jeans and my tight tank top (this is not how I typically dress), and the guy came back to the counter with a huge smile on his face. He was very cheerful and polite as he took my order and insisted on filling it himself when a female employee said she'd get it. He looked me in the eyes, smiled, gave me my change, asked if I wanted a receipt, and then asked if I needed help finding the straws, which have always been right by the door. Now I may have my moments, we all do, but I'm not so inept that I can't find a straw, but he was ready to come around the counter and help me. I told him "no thank you, I'm all set." He thanked me for coming in and told me he hoped I had a "really great day."

This really pissed me off. I know that "pretty" people tend to be treated better in life than the "regular" members of society. This is especially true when males are dealing with females. It's been shown that a single look or comment made by a guy, even unknowingly, is enough to crush a woman's ego and image of herself. I am one of those women; I can't count how many times a boyfriend has looked at me "the wrong way" or said "You're perfect but you'd look better if you gained a little weight," and I interpreted it as "You look gross," or "You aren't pretty enough," or simply "You just aren't good enough."

So, why did the DD's guy hardly look at the woman in front of me but was tripping over himself to help me? The only conclusion I can make (and anyone who reads this, please tell me if you think differently) is that he considered me to be one of those "pretty" people, and the woman in front of me was not. How is this fair?

After therapy (which did not go well and maybe I'll wrote about it tomorrow) I went to the bookstore. I started out in the psychology section and there was a guy also looking in that section. He said "hi" and smiled at me so I returned the greeting. I then moved onto the religion section, and so did he. Then I moved onto the current events section, and so did he. I'll admit I found this amusing. Finally I moved onto the women's studies section and began looking at books. The guy again followed me but the moment he realized what section he was in and what books I was looking at, he gave me a half-assed smirk and left. This left me thinking "WTF?"

Recently I "liked" feminism on Facebook and received the following message from a guy I've never met: "Stop being such a man hating bitch!" I was completely floored by this comment! It's not the only slack I've received either, and I wish I could say it all comes from men, but I'd be lying. Apparently by being interested in feminism, women's studies, rights, history, etc, it has to mean that I hate everything with a penis. Even my father, when I told him that I don't enjoy dating and would rather be alone asked me "So you're just using the men in your life for sex?" I don't understand this way of thinking at all. Many of my friends are men and most of the people I've dated were men, I care for them as much as I care for the women in my life, so where does this hate factor in?

Between what happened on my coffee run, what happened at the book store, and what happened on Facebook, I'm back to feeling so angry that I don't know what to do with it. I feel exactly like I did those few days in treatment when I wouldn't speak to staff or come out of my room, except this time I don't have S to sit with me and patiently talk me through it. I'm angry with my body, with people in general, with my thought processes, with food, with friends and family. I am just completely filled with anger again, and even that makes me angry!

Today has been an exhaustingly awful day.