In therapy and at the treatment center we talked about how I've never really developed a sense of self, I have no clue who I am. I feel very detached from myself, like I'm constantly walking through a thick fog; it's a horrible feeling. People keep telling me how lucky I am to be able to start from scratch, be whoever I want to be. I don't consider that luck. To me, my sense of self is just one more thing that I lost to my eating disorder.
How do you know who you are supposed to be? I'm thirty years old, I'm too young to be "starting over." How do you learn to just sit with yourself and be OK with it? How do you learn to be happy? Where do I begin? Part of the problem is that part of me is still that fourteen year old girl, she never developed so she never went away. She's still there seeking peoples approval, wanting to feel loved, wanting to feel like she's good enough, wanting to be seen and heard even as she tries so hard to disappear. That's all I've ever known.
I never thought that the recovery process would be more painful than the disease.
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