Yet Another Difficult Habit I Need to Try to Break

One of the problems with this illness (for me anyway) is that I'm not always aware of what I'm doing. Last night I went grocery shopping and came home to find three of my four roommates sitting at the kitchen table. We said hello to each other, then they just watched me. Since I moved in here I have refused to eat in front of anyone, when I do eat I will prepare the food when no one is in the kitchen and then take it to my bedroom to eat it. So my roommates have never actually seen me eat, they just see all the food I buy lined up neatly in the pantry and in the fridge and then watch as I throw it away when it goes bad.

As they stared at me I followed my routine of separating the groceries into three different piles- refrigerated, pantry, and hide. Their eyes followed me as I took the items from my hide pile, re-bagged them, and took them into my room.

Last night after I hid the various items around my room it hit me, I am a food hoarder and I've been doing it since high school. I looked around me and was stunned, how could I not know I was doing this? I am surrounded by food, fruit on my desk, nuts/cookies/sweets in the night stand, granola bars/almonds in the closet, donuts/applesauce/peanut M&M's/Goldfish crackers on my bookshelf, and of course my constant supply of Diet Coke and cherry Poptarts under my desk. I thought about why I might do this (my therapist will be thrilled to hear I did that come Monday) and realized I'm testing myself with temptation; I judge myself based on the level of willpower I show when I do or don't eat the food.

This started in high school when I would buy small things, like sweets or little bags of chips, and try sneaking them home and hide them away in my room. A few days later I'd put the food in my book bag and throw them away when I got to school. Then I'd go buy things to replace the things I threw away, and the cycle has been repeating itself ever since. I sort of feel like a chipmunk.

(The following paragraph could be triggering)

On a positive note I've been trying to eat over the past three days. As a result I've gained back 2 1/2lbs of the 8lbs I lost the four days before that. I hate it and it's causing a lot of anxiety. Today in an article I read, the author complained that she gained 10lbs during the past few months; it made me feel terrible about myself because in a month and a half (from when I entered treatment April 4th to my first check up in mid-May) I gained almost 20lbs. I'm trying very hard not to let it get to me but, UGGGHHHH!