Last night the guy I'm dating and I went on our second date, our relationship is a bit strange, let me explain. We went on our first date and that night my living situation fell apart. I had no where to go, so of course I was extremely upset and anxious, this was the last thing I needed to have happen just a couple of weeks out of treatment. At 6:30 the next morning I got a text from the guy saying that I could go stay with his family until June 1st and while normally I would never have done this, I accepted as I really had no where to go. So now we have been spending a lot of time together which has allowed us to really get to know each other. Also, his family appears to have adopted me, which is fine by me, I adore them.
I like the guy very much, we have a lot in common, and he is supportive of my trying to get better. I have no problems eating with him and his family and I'm now eating the best I have since leaving treatment. My grandmother, therapist and friends all love this guy and think he might be a perfect match for me. Everything seems great, the only problem is that, as usual, I've become self-concious and self-deprecating. As always I can't accept that someone finds me attractive.
A few times now I've asked him things like "Do you really think I'm pretty?" and "Would you still like me if I gained the 15-20 pounds I still need to gain?" His answer is always yes, that he thinks I'm very pretty and that I'm absolutely adorable. I keep telling myself to believe him but I'm finding it hard to do. The voice telling me "You don't deserve someone nice, to be happy, to have good people in your life, you only deserve to be alone," is getting louder and louder and more difficult to ignore.
I'm so frustrated that I'm doing so well eating, but the negative body image thoughts are worse than ever. I know that all I can do is take things one day at a time and stay in the present, but it's so hard believe his compliments. Once again I'm waiting for someone I care about to leave me.
This sucks.
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