Nice Guy, Bad Thoughts

Last night the guy I'm dating and I went on our second date, our relationship is a bit strange, let me explain. We went on our first date and that night my living situation fell apart. I had no where to go, so of course I was extremely upset and anxious, this was the last thing I needed to have happen just a couple of weeks out of treatment. At 6:30 the next morning I got a text from the guy saying that I could go stay with his family until June 1st and while normally I would never have done this, I accepted as I really had no where to go. So now we have been spending a lot of time together which has allowed us to really get to know each other. Also, his family appears to have adopted me, which is fine by me, I adore them.

I like the guy very much, we have a lot in common, and he is supportive of my trying to get better. I have no problems eating with him and his family and I'm now eating the best I have since leaving treatment. My grandmother, therapist and friends all love this guy and think he might be a perfect match for me. Everything seems great, the only problem is that, as usual, I've become self-concious and self-deprecating. As always I can't accept that someone finds me attractive.

A few times now I've asked him things like "Do you really think I'm pretty?" and "Would you still like me if I gained the 15-20 pounds I still need to gain?" His answer is always yes, that he thinks I'm very pretty and that I'm absolutely adorable. I keep telling myself to believe him but I'm finding it hard to do. The voice telling me "You don't deserve someone nice, to be happy, to have good people in your life, you only deserve to be alone," is getting louder and louder and more difficult to ignore.

I'm so frustrated that I'm doing so well eating, but the negative body image thoughts are worse than ever. I know that all I can do is take things one day at a time and stay in the present, but it's so hard believe his compliments. Once again I'm waiting for someone I care about to leave me.

This sucks.

It's Not Just a Girl Thing

A few men I know have been telling me "Body image isn't just a girl thing!" I always knew that and never claimed that body image issues or eating disorders were reserved for only those of us who are female. I've met quite a few men and boys with full blown eating disorders, some as young as thirteen years old. So I don't want anyone to accuse me of being sexist or unfeeling towards men in respect to body image and eating disorders, it's just that I'm a girl and many of my friends are girls, so guess who I talk to the most about these things? But guys, I hear you.

Recently a few men have actually come out to me and said they suffer from occasional negative body image thoughts. They told me that they fear that women have unrealistic expectations of what their bodies should look like based on male models and actors (gee, that sounds oddly familiar.....) and on two separate occasions Men's Health magazine was mentioned as a trigger. The pictures of rock hard six-pack abs seem to cause the most insecurity, although in one article I read it stated that men's biggest worry was the size of their junk. However, I also know that the majority of women don't really care about these things, if they want their guy to lose weight it's most likely so the guy stays healthy. Personally, I don't find the bodies in those images attractive at all, they look frightening and I know other women my age who have said the same thing. 

Personally I've had to consciously decide that I can not look at fashion or entertainment magazines because they directly affect my thoughts, mood and eating patterns. None of the guys I've talked to have said the same, only that seeing the images in some magazines makes them feel bad about themselves. I have noticed that if I look at the images on the covers of those magazines while in the check out line, I will automatically become depressed, think "I wish I looked like that," and I have even been known to put "guilty" foods back and not buy them. Negative body image thoughts are dangerous, they kept me an extra week in treatment because although I was eating 100%, I was hating myself for it.

So, man or woman, it doesn't matter. In a world where we are constantly bombarded with media, it's hard to find anyone who honestly doesn't have some degree of body image issues. The important things to do are to avoid triggers, remember that those images have been unbelievably doctored, and if needed get help for these issues.

The Kindness of Strangers

I went on a date Sunday and it was terrifying because we went out to dinner (it was my idea, not sure what I was thinking). Since leaving treatment I hadn't been able to eat in front of other people without having a panic attack so I was pretty convinced that the guy would run for the hills for sure. The night before the date we were talking and he asked about the meaning of my new tattoo, I figured I'd be honest and if he couldn't handle it then that would be that. To my surprise he was totally fine with it and very supportive and he thanked me for being honest with him.

Although I knew he said he was ok with it I was still not convinced and was terrified that either I wouldn't be able to eat or I'd force myself to eat and then restrict the next day to punish myself. However, I had a great time and was very happy that I went. I was completely shocked when we left and I realized that I had eaten a salad, my main dish and half of my dessert without even thinking about it! Plus I had no negative or guilty thoughts about how much I ate. This guy had quite the effect on me and he piqued my interest.

When I got home that night my living arrangement fell apart and I had to find a place to live by the next day. I couldn't find anyone to stay with and broke down and cried when my date sent me a text telling me he had a really great time and that he wanted to see me again. I needed someone to talk to so I called him and when he asked why I was upset I told him everything, he was not happy.

The next morning around 6:30 I got a text from him that said I was welcome to go stay with him and his family. I was thrilled and anxious, I had only gone on one date with this guy and now I was going to live with his family? I had no where else to go so I accepted and I'm so glad that I did. His family is amazingly nice and so sweet. Since the date on Sunday night I've been eating 100% of my meals, I'm that comfortable around him and his family. I didn't realize how stressed I'd actually been and ended up sleeping pretty much all of the past two days. Things are going well between me and the guy too, he's very respectful and makes me smile, which I hadn't been doing lately. My therapist was ecstatic about this turn of events and told me this was exactly what I needed. She also pointed out the huge change in my mood since the last time she saw me.

Hopefully this guys mom was right when she said "You've had such a hard time sweety, but this is the start of your luck turning around."

You Are Beautiful

This morning I woke up in a terrible mood and did not want to eat yet again. My computer was on the nightstand so I decided to do a little surfing before I got up. The first site I went to was Operation Beautiful, one of my favorite sites. I'm so glad I did because looking through the notes helped me find the strength to get up and eat. And yes, I carry around a stack of Post-Its and leave messages in random places :0)

I also want to say thank you for the feedback I've been receiving. I've been told that readers like the fact that I'm so open and honest, that I show that recovery is not an easy road, that my writing gets better with every post and (the compliment that I find most touching) that I am an inspiration to others. Hearing all of those things make me want to continue writing. I began this because I find it therapeutic but also in the hopes that it would help someone else out there. So thank you!

It's Always So Easy to Fall Back Down That Hole....

This isn't easy to say, but I'm falling into that dark hole that is my ED, and I'm falling fast. On Tuesday I met with my therapist and she asked how I was eating. I told her I was cutting back on carbs and fat because I was eating so badly since I got out of treatment that I want to eat healthier. She looked right at me and said "So you're restricting again in an effort to be healthy?" We both knew what a huge contradiction that was and what my real reasoning is.

Last night something big happened and as a result I am now scrambling once again to find somewhere to live. While I understand why I have to leave, it is a HUGE trigger for me. I have been having problems with feeling rejected lately, and because of that the thoughts that I'm not good/perfect/thin enough have returned in full force, and so I don't deserve to have friends, I don't deserve to have nice people in my life and I don't deserve to have anything good in my life. I cried for three hours last night until I finally passed out. The person involved doesn't realize he's doing it so I'm trying very hard not to show the effect he is having on me, as usual I'm acting like everything is fine. I called my therapist and said "somethings happened" and she squeezed me in for a second session this afternoon.

But I'm not fine, I'm not even ok. I am in a downward spiral and I had forgotten how easy it is to fall back into the hole, and how fast you fall. Last night after being asked "Don't you need to eat?" (for the record, this is one of the things you should never say to a person with an ED, there's a whole list of things you shouldn't say according to specialists, and this is a biggie) and so I even though I took this a challenge NOT to eat, I made myself a bowl of cereal, took it into my room, and choked it down. This morning I woke up and decided that I don't deserve to eat because what happened is partly my fault, so I'm a bad person and I need to punish myself. When I get to this point I stop eating altogether and live off of fluids only, which was what landed me in treatment.

I had a 20 ounce bottle of water in my room and I downed the whole thing so quickly it almost came right back up (breakfast). Then I had to go to Starbucks to meet with someone about renting a room from them. I got there first and ordered a large Passion tea/lemonade (lunch), then decided that maybe I should try to eat something (I am trying). I asked for a mini doughnut and this is what the person behind the counter said laughingly, "A single mini doughnut, that's how you stay so thin! That's the secret, just eat one mini doughnut. Good for you!" Wow, crash and burn into a fiery inferno with no survivors. I took it as a challenge (of course) and wasn't going to eat it but then the person I was meeting with came in and I didn't want them asking me about it so I ate it, and now I hate myself even more.

I am relapsing, I think everyone would agree to that. Out of treatment two and a half weeks and I'm back in the hole. While I feel safe there, I feel extreme anger. I am trying to fight it, but the voice in my head is getting louder and louder. I don't want to be in the hole, but I want to feel small and safe. To be honest, I think I've been heading towards this since leaving treatment, like the gun was cocked and loaded but I needed something to pull the trigger, and this is it. I know I'm disappointing a lot of people, they had high expectations of me, since I went into treatment I should be all better shouldn't I? Shouldn't it be easier for me to prevent this since I just got out and have a constant reminder tattooed on my wrist? No, I'm not, and no, it isn't.

The Anger is Back

Today just sucked. This went on longer than expected so please be patient.

I got dressed this morning and my favorite pair of jeans fit without the accompaniment of a belt, so I sat on the floor and cried. And this was just the beginning. I threw on a tank top because I am trying to work on accepting my upper body. My arms are tiny because I have lost so much muscle mass and I feel like everyone stares at them. However, the tank top revealed my enlarged chest and when I looked in the mirror I thought "Holy cleavage Batman!" Then, to my surprise, I looked in the full length mirror and the thought "My ass looks amazing!" popped into my head without me even realizing it. But as quickly as the positive thought came, a dozen negative thoughts took it's place.

To calm myself down I picked up a book and started reading until it was time to head out to my therapy appointment. A quick stop at the Dunkin Donuts for coffee sent me reeling yet again. The woman in front of me was close to my age, a little heavier and wearing a baggy hoody over baggy jeans. The guy behind the counter hardly looked up at her and simply said "Here's your change," and then walked away. I took her place at the counter in my tight jeans and my tight tank top (this is not how I typically dress), and the guy came back to the counter with a huge smile on his face. He was very cheerful and polite as he took my order and insisted on filling it himself when a female employee said she'd get it. He looked me in the eyes, smiled, gave me my change, asked if I wanted a receipt, and then asked if I needed help finding the straws, which have always been right by the door. Now I may have my moments, we all do, but I'm not so inept that I can't find a straw, but he was ready to come around the counter and help me. I told him "no thank you, I'm all set." He thanked me for coming in and told me he hoped I had a "really great day."

This really pissed me off. I know that "pretty" people tend to be treated better in life than the "regular" members of society. This is especially true when males are dealing with females. It's been shown that a single look or comment made by a guy, even unknowingly, is enough to crush a woman's ego and image of herself. I am one of those women; I can't count how many times a boyfriend has looked at me "the wrong way" or said "You're perfect but you'd look better if you gained a little weight," and I interpreted it as "You look gross," or "You aren't pretty enough," or simply "You just aren't good enough."

So, why did the DD's guy hardly look at the woman in front of me but was tripping over himself to help me? The only conclusion I can make (and anyone who reads this, please tell me if you think differently) is that he considered me to be one of those "pretty" people, and the woman in front of me was not. How is this fair?

After therapy (which did not go well and maybe I'll wrote about it tomorrow) I went to the bookstore. I started out in the psychology section and there was a guy also looking in that section. He said "hi" and smiled at me so I returned the greeting. I then moved onto the religion section, and so did he. Then I moved onto the current events section, and so did he. I'll admit I found this amusing. Finally I moved onto the women's studies section and began looking at books. The guy again followed me but the moment he realized what section he was in and what books I was looking at, he gave me a half-assed smirk and left. This left me thinking "WTF?"

Recently I "liked" feminism on Facebook and received the following message from a guy I've never met: "Stop being such a man hating bitch!" I was completely floored by this comment! It's not the only slack I've received either, and I wish I could say it all comes from men, but I'd be lying. Apparently by being interested in feminism, women's studies, rights, history, etc, it has to mean that I hate everything with a penis. Even my father, when I told him that I don't enjoy dating and would rather be alone asked me "So you're just using the men in your life for sex?" I don't understand this way of thinking at all. Many of my friends are men and most of the people I've dated were men, I care for them as much as I care for the women in my life, so where does this hate factor in?

Between what happened on my coffee run, what happened at the book store, and what happened on Facebook, I'm back to feeling so angry that I don't know what to do with it. I feel exactly like I did those few days in treatment when I wouldn't speak to staff or come out of my room, except this time I don't have S to sit with me and patiently talk me through it. I'm angry with my body, with people in general, with my thought processes, with food, with friends and family. I am just completely filled with anger again, and even that makes me angry!

Today has been an exhaustingly awful day.

And Now a Moment of Cuteness

The best birthday gift I got this year was being able to bring my ferret, Scritch, home. A week before I entered the treatment center Scritch became seriously ill and the vet thought that he had cancer. He needed round the clock care, including being hand fed every three hours. I was in such bad condition, being depressed, severely malnourished and stressed out over a complication that arose while trying to move, that I decided it would be best if I signed Scritch over to a local ferret shelter on a temporary basis. My friend Donna runs the shelter and is a ferret expert so I knew he'd receive the care he needed. A couple of days later I was told that due to my ED I was considered "critical" and needed to be admitted to the treatment center for inpatient care. Knowing that Scritch would be taken care of made this a little easier for me.

Baby Scritch

Baby Scritch, he fit in my hand at this age

When I went to pick out a ferret Scritch was the smallest one there. While the other ferrets were trying to get my attention, Scritch managed to push his way through them, run up my arm, and sit on top of my baseball hat and would not come down. Right away I knew that Scritch had chosen me and that I was taking him home.

"Let me outa here!"

Scritch all grown up!
I got Scritch at such a young age that he seems to have adopted me as his "Mum." He follows me around the house like a duckling following around its momma duck. He becomes very anxious when he can't see me or get to me. He is my little lovey  :0)

"Hi! Whatcha doin?"

This was taken right before I signed him over while he was sick

Scritch was tested for lymphoma and cancer of the spleen, but so far all his tests have come back as inconclusive. He is now almost 100% better and I got to bring him home on my birthday.

"I know I'm cute."

Birthday girl!

On May 6, 1981 I came into this world, a rolly-poly, pink baby with strawberry-blonde hair. Also, on May 6, 1984, my little brother, Brandon, was born. For years I tormented him by telling him that he was the worst birthday present I ever got, but of course I love him dearly :-) Today we turned 30 and 27 years old.

Yup, the big 3-0. Everyone has been asking me how I'm taking it, I'm taking it fine and having a great day! I've made a few mental and physical changes, but it has nothing to do with entering into a new decade of life.

While in treatment I became extremely angry over the span of a few days, so angry that I wouldn't leave my room or speak with staff. The staff became so concerned that they asked one of the therapists (S) who did yoga and worked with us holistically, to talk to me since we had made a real connection. She helped me realize that part of why I was so angry was that my ED started when I was 14, and while my peers were developing a sense of self, I was developing my ED. This and the fact that I'm a different person depending on who I'm with have left me feeling completely disconnected from myself and I realized I had no idea who the real me is. Once S helped me understand what was bothering me, the anger became much more manageable. My team and I talked and they told me that part of my recovery process should include figuring out who I want to be and to allow myself to accept whoever I was destined to become. I found this idea of change both exciting and scary as hell, like most people with ED's change does not go over well with me.

Mentally I'm working on accepting myself, allowing myself to relax more and trying to remember that perfection does not exist. I'm also starting to think about the future and realized that I really do want to go to grad school. I've been seriously thinking about a degree which would allow me to combine psychology and women's studies. I've also partly come out with the fact that I like women as well as men (sorry to the family members who might be reading this and hearing of it for the first time). I've kept this part of me hidden because I was terrified of how certain people would react and I don't want to be labeled. Now I have an "If you can't accept me for me" attitude and realize that if someone doesn't want to be my friend or love me anymore because of this revelation, then I don't need them in my life.

The past few days I've been making some physical changes as well. My hair is now a darker shade of red (I'm naturally a redhead but I wanted to experiment) and I'm debating whether I'm willing to chop off my long, curly hair (EEK!) and go for a shorter style. Yesterday I got a new tattoo that has significant personal meaning to me and at the same time got the rook of my ear pierced (more piercings to come....). Probably the most significant change I've made is that I've been going out of the house without makeup or checking to make sure my hair is just right, something I would never have done before treatment due to the amount of anxiety it caused.

I'm impressed with how far I've come in such a short amount of time. I'm finally feeling like I deserve to relax and enjoy life (well at least I'm starting to). Tomorrow some friends and I are going to have a "girly" afternoon and eat some cake, and I'm going to allow myself to enjoy that cake :-)

My Relationship Skills Are Lacking...

"Do you think the relationship is worth cultivating? Is it more of a positive support for you, or more of a negative?" My therapist asked me this during todays session and it's been on my mind ever since. I told her the truth, at this point everything and everyone in my life is both a positive and a negative, so how was I to say whether or not I should end the relationship we were discussing? This happened to be about a relationship with another person, but it got me thinking about other relationships in my life.

I've always had a difficult time with relationships, whether they be with friends, family, food, men, myself, co-workers, etc. Trust is also a major issue for me, so I'm always on the defensive and this creates problems. Here are just a few examples of the relationship issues going on in my life:

• Each one of my friends sees whatever side of me I think they want to see, it's the same with family. I'm starting to change this but it's very hard. I fear other people's disapproval and want to please all the time.
• Food and I haven't gotten along in years. I know I rely on it for survival, but at the same time I rely on it as a source of control, reward and punishment. Last night after a conversation with a friend all I could think about was how I've hurt so many people in my life (or at least that's how I feel). As a result I told myself I couldn't eat dinner because I deserved the hunger pains I was feeling. Clearly my thought process is distorted, but I don't realize it until well after the fact.
• Men. Well, I sabotaged my last relationship on purpose simply because the guy was nice. I was terrified of him seeing the real me. I was convinced that if he saw how depressed I get or how far I'll go with restricting my diet, we'd both end up hurt and he'd leave. We still talk from time to time, although I feel an immense amount of guilt for what I put him through.
• Me, myself, and I. Most of the time I can't stand myself, I know that sounds awful but it's the truth. Recently I was asked to make a list of what I felt were my positive and negative attributes. Under positive I wrote "intelligent," the negative list was three pages long. I'm slowly (very slowly) learning to accept myself and understand that some of that energy I put toward pleasing others should also be directed towards myself. 

I know this post sounds extremely negative, but it isn't. The fact that I can recognize these issues is a huge step in the right direction. It's going to take a lot of time and effort to improve these aspects of my life, but I'm ready to step up and accept the challenge.

Are You Ready?

This is a very difficult post to write, but I'm making myself write it because otherwise I'll never admit it. All the doctors, nurses, dietitians, therapists, psychiatrists, cardiologists, etc tell you that you have to want to get better. Without this desire you will be alright on your own for a while, but then you will slip back into your old, comforting behaviors. For a brief time you will gain some semblance of control over your illness, but then it will overtake you once again. It doesn't mean that you were playing games with your treatment team, or that you weren't really doing the work, it just means that you weren't ready to want to get better.

I worked my ass off in treatment and was constantly praised for it by the staff and my team, the constant people pleaser to a fault. However, the whole time I was there I repeatedly said "I'm not ready," "I don't think I'll be able to do this on my own out there," "I'm still too afraid to get better." But I kept pushing myself harder and harder (I attacked it just like everything else in life, and perhaps that's part of the problem) until the next thing I knew I was being told that I was being discharged the next morning. As the news spread of my coming departure I was asked by staff, doctors and my social worker "So you ready for this? You feeling good?" and I said "Yes, of course." What else was there to say?

My head was reeling, how could I possibly go from eating nothing at all, to eating full meals and snacks under direct supervision of nurses and mental health counselors, to eating full meals and snacks all on my own? The morning of my discharge I sat with my dietitian who praised me for compiling the perfect week long meal plan, my social worker who praised me for being so honest with her about what I needed, my doctor who praised me for making such huge strides in repairing both my mental and physical health, and various staff members who all praised me for the amazing amount of effort I'd put into my treatment all while being such a pleasure to work with. Then after signing a few papers I was ushered out the door with a quick "Good luck!" and I was on my own.

I went out to my car, put my bag in the trunk, sat behind the wheel and cried like a baby. I should've been thrilled to go home, but I was terrified. I still am. I followed my meal plan for two days and haven't looked at it since. Yesterday my doctor asked how I've been eating and I was honest with her, she said it was fine as long as I was eating something and still gaining (which I am). The past few days I've felt my depression creeping back in and the ED voices are screaming louder than ever. I'm fighting it, but I'm so exhausted.

I wish I knew why I'm so afraid to let go, why I don't feel like I can let myself get better. It's not just about control, I know that, but I don't know what the bigger picture is. I'm afraid that I'll end up back in treatment, and while I was taught that it's ok to hit speed bumps once in a while, when do those speed bumps become all engulfing potholes?