"Why would young women who stood to gain so much in life, try so hard to destroy themselves?"

The title of this post comes from the introduction of Aimee Liu's book, Gaining. She's not the only one whose ever asked this question, even I've asked it of myself and others around me. Eating disorders are about more than control, they are about fear, shame, guilt and a number of other negative emotions a person with an eating disorder is trying to hide. Liu explains in her introduction:

"Weight is the obvious culprit but misleading, since those who fear gaining have the least weight to lose. It's not really fat they fear, either, despite what they may say. It's all those positive, powerful gains that fulfill their deeper hungers. Some tell themselves they don't deserve a lover who can make them laugh. Others fear any promotion that involves responsibility. Still others instinctively distrust anyone who befriends them. The greatest fear, however, is that gaining will expose some shameful inner truth. It's not about the numbers on the scale. Deep down, we all know that."

The worst enemy an eating disordered person has is not the voice telling them not to eat, it's the voice telling them why they shouldn't eat. Mine tells me that I don't deserve to be happy, I don't deserve good or nice people in my life, I don't deserve to be loved, I don't deserve good things to happen to me, it tells me I'm an awful person who should be alone. This is what allows that other voice to creep in, the one that says "Don't eat." The two of them together are what drive me to be super competitive in every aspect of my life, all while doing whatever I can to scare people away from me, especially the nice ones. So even while I'm getting excellent grades, have amazing friends, date a nice guy here and there, I honestly feel that I don't deserve any of it. So in a way I guess I punish myself by not eating because I achieve things that I think I don't deserve. Of course it's much more complicated than that and this is just one very small aspect of the disorder.

Today I'm not doing well. I was doing alright managing the negative body image thoughts while eating since I got home. My doctors appointment yesterday blew it up in my face though. I found out how much I've gained this week and how much this month. As soon as I saw my weight the two voices started screaming inside my head and I hardly heard anything else the doctor had to say. Since then I've been absolutely miserable, inspecting my body for hours on end, staring at body parts in the mirror, pinching my stomach, sides and arms. On top of all this I'm sick with a high fever which makes the discomfort I'm feeling even worse.

Yesterday one of my friends told me that she knows I'm upset but that I look really good. Another friend, after I told her "I hate myself! I'm so fat!" told me she thinks I'm a beautiful person and to remember that this is going to be an extremely long process. Maybe that's what is bothering me, there is no quick fix. I think I want to get better but it's days like this that make it hard to remember that.