As I started to gain some weight back while in treatment, it seemed like I was only gaining weight in my chest. One morning I walked into the group room and one of the teenage girls jokingly said "Jenn, put those things away!" I laughed about it but immediately became self-concious and decided to wear my jacket or hooded sweatshirt at all times. All of the sudden I had boobs! I mean, they were always there, but not like this. My bras became tight and uncomfortable and every morning in the shower I was shocked by what I saw.
Eventually the weight began to show in other body parts, particularly my bum and thighs. Now not only were by bras tight and uncomfortable, but so were my jeans and underwear. Every time I looked in the mirror *BAM* I had curves in the back and *BAM* I had curves in the front. I began to notice that my thighs were getting thicker and heavier as well and all this change happening to my body so quickly sent me into full blown "I HATE MYSELF OH MY GOSH I'M SO FRICKEN HUGE!" mode.
If you're like me bums, boobs and thighs are terrifying things. My eating disorder allowed me to be small and to feel insignificant. I felt that if I didn't have a bum or boobs then men wouldn't be interested in me. Of course that backfired on me since every guy I've ever dated has told me they prefer small boobs (the adage "More than a handful is wasteful" comes to mind). So what's a girl to do?
I'm trying to take it all in stride and remind myself that I am a woman and women are supposed to have curves. I keep hearing my mom in my head telling me "You always look so good at a healthy weight! You've got an amazing figure!" And in the mornings while brushing my teeth I look in the mirror and say to my body "Alright girls (as I turn and look at my chest) and you there, bum and thighs (as I turn around and look at my backside) let's all try to get along with brain today. Ready? BREAK!"
No comments:
Post a Comment