Yup, the big 3-0. Everyone has been asking me how I'm taking it, I'm taking it fine and having a great day! I've made a few mental and physical changes, but it has nothing to do with entering into a new decade of life.
While in treatment I became extremely angry over the span of a few days, so angry that I wouldn't leave my room or speak with staff. The staff became so concerned that they asked one of the therapists (S) who did yoga and worked with us holistically, to talk to me since we had made a real connection. She helped me realize that part of why I was so angry was that my ED started when I was 14, and while my peers were developing a sense of self, I was developing my ED. This and the fact that I'm a different person depending on who I'm with have left me feeling completely disconnected from myself and I realized I had no idea who the real me is. Once S helped me understand what was bothering me, the anger became much more manageable. My team and I talked and they told me that part of my recovery process should include figuring out who I want to be and to allow myself to accept whoever I was destined to become. I found this idea of change both exciting and scary as hell, like most people with ED's change does not go over well with me.
Mentally I'm working on accepting myself, allowing myself to relax more and trying to remember that perfection does not exist. I'm also starting to think about the future and realized that I really do want to go to grad school. I've been seriously thinking about a degree which would allow me to combine psychology and women's studies. I've also partly come out with the fact that I like women as well as men (sorry to the family members who might be reading this and hearing of it for the first time). I've kept this part of me hidden because I was terrified of how certain people would react and I don't want to be labeled. Now I have an "If you can't accept me for me" attitude and realize that if someone doesn't want to be my friend or love me anymore because of this revelation, then I don't need them in my life.
The past few days I've been making some physical changes as well. My hair is now a darker shade of red (I'm naturally a redhead but I wanted to experiment) and I'm debating whether I'm willing to chop off my long, curly hair (EEK!) and go for a shorter style. Yesterday I got a new tattoo that has significant personal meaning to me and at the same time got the rook of my ear pierced (more piercings to come....). Probably the most significant change I've made is that I've been going out of the house without makeup or checking to make sure my hair is just right, something I would never have done before treatment due to the amount of anxiety it caused.I'm impressed with how far I've come in such a short amount of time. I'm finally feeling like I deserve to relax and enjoy life (well at least I'm starting to). Tomorrow some friends and I are going to have a "girly" afternoon and eat some cake, and I'm going to allow myself to enjoy that cake :-)
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